The Source

 

Floating down the river

Letting the ships pass by

Aware of them–

But life, not contingent on their existence

 

Absorbing energy from the source

The only place that really matters

External instances mean little in comparison to the purpose

 

A constant flow washes over the soul

Allowing cleansing to sweep away the debris that accumulated

 

Symbolic manifestations of tangible occurences

Leading the way for an openness only made possible through pain

And the act of walking through it

Completely

 

Unsure of where this stream will lead

But trusting the source that allows me to stay above the water

 

Experiencing Euphoria

Today has been one of the most monumental days of my life.

I woke up to the sound of my phone at 4:36 this morning, my client called me to say that she was in labor!  She has been a massage client of mine for years and I have worked on her through her entire pregnancy.  Today I was able to massage her through labor and delivery.  AMAZING.

Luckily, the little guy was born at 7:30 this morning and I didn’t have to cancel my clients today.  I’m exhausted, but on a natural high right now.

At 2:30 I went to meet with a therapist to collaborate in regards to my upcoming Trauma Touch Therapy™ workshop.  This will combine the somatic approach to physical and psychological effects due to Trauma.  We will be writing an article  for publication soon, so stay tuned!  My workshop is at the end of May, and I can’t tell you how incredibly excited I am to be able to implement this into my practice.

Going through my own personal trauma is the reason I am extremely passionate about this approach.  All of the hell that I went through, now completely makes sense and seems worth it.  I feel that God just created a specialty especially for me.  I know that sounds completely selfish, but I am amazed at the personal interest He takes in my life.  Everything that has happened has led up to me being able to be trusted with this opportunity.  I am  grateful and extremely humbled to be given such a special gift.

I know this blog is all over the place today, but I’m living off of espresso shots to get me through til my next client.  During this 30 minute break, I wanted to get it out there with the passion that I am feeling in this exact moment.  I don’t want to forget the euphoria that I feel right now with all of the life changing events that happened today.

I’m sure tonight I am going to crash like nobodies business, but right now I am on top of the world.  Living a life of purpose and passion is beyond explanation.  I’m so thankful that I get to participate this fully in life and recovery.

Feelings are not Facts

Sometimes I forget this.

How easy it is for me to get caught up in the day-to-day routine, only to find myself flailing in insecurity.  When I get ‘too busy’, I tend to slack on the things that keep me sane.  It’s the overlooked and unprioritized things when I default to survival mode–for example– prayer, meditation and being present.

For the past couple of weeks, I have been here.  Only upon taking inventory of why I am feeling this chaos, do I find that the answer is quite simple.  I stopped doing the things to maintain my spiritual condition.  It doesn’t matter how much I accomplished in the past.  All that matters is what I presently do.

Holding onto the notion that I have done my fair share will inevitably lead me back to complacency, which is my own personal Hell.

And I enjoy being in the moment so much!  Once I am here, I am home.  I feel comfortable in my own skip, I stop worrying about what people think of me, I really live–instead of just talking about it.

It is so easy for me to slip into having the day take control of me.  Once I pause and remember what is truly important–I slow down, take a few breaths and get primal–spiritually primal.

Making a conscious decision that I will not settle for a counterfeit version of life.  I want the real thing.

My feelings will always lead me astray–true purpose takes determination.

My feelings will always give me an excuse to not move forward.

My feelings will keep me feeling inferior, and will eat me alive.

Thank God my feelings are not facts.

Recycled Vulnerability

 

Lying dormant for the right opportunity

Surfacing when emotionally available

 

Second thoughts materializing as the answer

Questioning logic while entertaining fantasy

Visceral reaction–sparked by letting go

 

Compromising trust with choice

Rarely saving reality a seat

 

Options infinitum

 

Nothing is new

All has been here before

 

Learning from the past

As I enjoy the present

I wait for the future

Which has already taken place

Perception

It’s everything and nothing, all at the same time. Whatever that means.

Recently I have gone through a series of dramatic occurences that leave me scratching my head.  I have more questions than answers.  Tonight I realize that is ok.  As I look at stuff from an objective viewpoint, I start to grasp the true definition of perception, which is:

The act or faculty of apprehending by means of the senses or of the mind; cognition; understanding.  www.dictionary.com

I’m struck by the word ‘act’.  Knowing doesn’t get me anywhere without action.  I have tons of intentions that end up nowhere.  Action is the only way to truly be fully aware of perception and it’s role in my life.  Over the past month, I have asked ‘why’ about a million times.  As the days go on, I find that timing is everything.  These situations were not ‘bad’ or ‘good’–they just, were.  I guess if I really knew the big picture, I would try to rush things.  But reality is, all I have to do is live.  One day at a time.  That’s it.  It’s hard for me because I like to make things happen.  I want to force whatever I perceive to be ‘right’ into the equation.  This inevitably leads to a big, fat mess.  I can’t even tell you how many times I have to relive and relearn this lesson.

I heard a quote today that resonated– “When emotion and intellect are in a battle, emotion usually wins.”  This rings true more often than not, for me.  That 18 inches between my head and my heart try to meet, but usually one dominates.  Theoretically I can calculate what to do in a given situation, but throw my crazy emotions into the equation and I wind up a basketcase.  This leads me to the understanding that I need to work certain steps to ensure that ‘Crazy Shea’ doesn’t break onto the scene once times get tough. And I learn.  And I learn.

I only have the tools to change the crazy in me, not in you.  I can only affect my perception and not impose it on others.  For most of my life, I have tried to fix situations so everything runs smoothly.  This results in huge resentments on my part since I can’t control anything.  Now that I am finally just staying on my side of the street (for the most part), the ‘crazy’ has lessened and life doesn’t feel so piercingly loud and chaotic.  The perception shift is dynamically profound and produces a calm I have never known.  For once, life is as it should be, in this moment.  Nothing more, nothing less.

 

Space Mountain

While Ollie and I were building blocks this morning, I had a Disney World documentary on in the background.  As soon as the Space Mountain part came up–I started tearing up.  It reminded me of one of the times our grandparents took us down there.  Grandpa and I were the thrill seekers, while Grandma and Piper just watched us make fools of ourselves.  So, Grandpa and I were in line for Space Mountain for a good hour at least.  As soon as our turn came along, for some reason, I freak out and tell him that I cannot do it.  I don’t know what it was, but I just got terrified all of a sudden.  My sweet grandpa was livid, but he kept his cool.  For those of you who knew him–He was definitely not known for his patience!  But, he loved Piper and I with a love that was indescribable.  He sucked it up, and we walked back to Piper and Grandma after waiting in line for over an hour.

I’m not sure of why I remember this so vividly, as I have not thought about it in years.  We were really young, but I remember how much he did for us and how many times “Space Mountain” occurences happened without my finite knowledge.  Unconditional love is a rare and amazing gift.  I didn’t realize what it was until after he was long gone.  I am so grateful to have been able to have him as my grandfather.  I learned so much from his example and he never got to see the result.  I was still a crazy, immature 21 year old when he died–but I like to think that he knew I was a carbon copy of him and that I would turn out alright. We were both completely hardheaded and stubborn, but we learned from our mistakes (eventually).  He actually died a few days after we have one of our famous “spars”, which of course he got the last laugh (as always).  I regretted it for years, but I know that it didn’t really matter, he knew my heart and loved me for it.

I can’t believe that a Space Mountain documentary brought all of this up.  I sit here writing with tears rolling down my face.  Memories are crazy things.  I think what got me is that I picked up  my phone to call him and tell him the memory as soon as it happened–It was second nature. Once I realized he was dead, I lost it.  Ollie was looking at me with a completely puzzled look, I’m not much of a crier.  I’m guessing he was quite confused.  Even though my Grampee has been gone for almost a decade, he still feels very much alive.

I miss him more than I could ever write.  I just hope that I can be as good of a parent to Ollie as he was to me.

The Unknown

 

It’s scary.  Seriously.

Over the past couple of months, our family has been faced with some big choices.  Like the fact that we have to be out of our home in 30 day and we have no idea where we are going to live.  It has become a huge catch 22, but there is the hope and peace that is inside me that transcends my actual situation.  As I look back on past dilemmas that I thought were impossible, it all seemed to play out regardless of my feelings about it.  We are still trying to recover from the 3 months I was out of work with a broken arm–and I know we will get through this trial as well (as we always do).  But, sometimes I just get so tired of life.  Not suicidal–I just wish I could press the pause button for a while.

I know tomorrow is a new day and for that I am thankful.  Every day that comes is a welcomed break from the one before.  It’s one day closer to an answer.  Each problem that arises gives me opportunity to face it a different way than I previously did.  Allowing the phrase “Easy Does It” to resonate and permeate into every fiber of my being.  Looking at this conceptually gives me the objectivity to just ‘be’.

As I watched Ollie (my 2 year old) play with his puzzle the other day, I had an “Ah Ha!” moment.  He was so frustrated trying to get Mickey in the puzzle slot.  He started banging the puzzle, turned red and started crying because the puzzle piece just wasn’t fitting the way he was attempting.  I calmly explained to him that Mickey would fit, just calm down and it would go in the hole perfectly.  As he listened to my instruction, amazingly enough, Mickey returned to his puzzle home.  I tend to attack life with the same determination that Ollie tried to make that piece fit.  All of my frustration and crying sometimes exaggerates the current condition.  If I just pause, breathe and relax, most of the time stuff just has a way of working out.

I’m hoping for clarity soon, but even if I don’t get it–that’s ok.  I know my Higher Power is watching out for me and will take care my family in a way that I cannot.  I have to trust that the right thing will come at just the right time.  If I rush into something prematurely, I could miss something really wonderful because I was to impatient to wait.  Looking forward to blogging about the outcome, whatever that may be.

 

Beauty from Ashes

Entertaining the notion of trust–

I step out into the unknown to find the freedom that was hidden by my own will

Understanding the simplicity of faith in love

Gives me the permission to let go of preconceived assumptions–

And live as though it is my first day of this planet

My spirit knows otherwise

It has been around for quite sometime

My body is trying to catch on

Muscle memory is there

I just have to choose to allow the change

My soul is the organizer that ties all of the essential elements together

Without it, I would accomplish nothing

It keeps me interested far beyond human comprehension

And creates something beautiful from absolutely nothing

Breathing in, I find contentment in the pause

Thankful for the fact that I can

I concentrate on this day–

And only this day

Tomorrow is a whole other story

Letting go, I find the capacity to dream bigger

Along with the possibility to do so

Imagining the courage it takes to affect change

To be the change

To want to be the change

Digging down deep for the hidden potential that needs a little irritation to show itself

It lies dormant until pushed in just the right way

Subconscious categories form to create a complex agenda

Though only possible when the time is right

Trust in the process

Whatever that may be

Happy that I am here

With you

Infinite Inspiration

Back towards the sun

Searching for the key that fits

Already in hand

But not ready for use

 

Allowing the vastness to speak loud and clear

With a faint whisper

 

In awe of the brilliance ahead, and within arms reach

Selective charisma untainted by noise

Profoundness simplified

 

Energy ignited by subtleties

Impressive expansion untouched by the masses

Breathing in air that has already been created

Although enjoying it for the first time

 

Beauty revealed in raw form–entrenched in the surreal quietness

Almost deafening to a cluttered soul

Holiness reinvented to the intended form

Acceptance of the natural state of creation

 

Living momentarily in eternity

On the boundary between past and future

Just being

The Wall

Deconstructing figments of imagination

Impenetrable only due to faulty perception

 

Going back to the origin of establishment

Questioning the foundation

And the components used in making its existence

 

Natural elements

Beautifully flawed

All combined to create

The ultimate barrier of architectural perfection

 

Rooted in truth and lies

Flowing through the structure

To evoke

Ambivalence  and destruction–

All at the predetermined time

 

A sturdy integration

Of separate yet equal parts

Each vital for survival of the whole

 

Keeping out

What possibly should be invited in

 

Peaceful visualization

Of life without the need for protection

 

Climbing to the top

Only to find

There is a long fall down to the bottom

 

Scratching the surface

Chipping away pieces–

Little by little

To eventually get to the place

I’ve been searching for

For so long