Archive for Learning

Again.

Posted in Life, Past, Poetry, Present with tags , , , , , , , , on October 26, 2011 by Shea Atkin

 

Futile attempts of control, result in prolonging the inevitable

Sinking into the reflection of that fine line between hope and reality

Unable to let go, until I do

 

Similar instances surface, just waiting for me to finally learn the lesson

Repeating the cycle

Continuously

Wondering why the result stays the same

 

Necessity is a tricky concept

Leaving much room for interpretation–

But checked with the right motives, the answer is undeniable

 

Truth is only visible when we choose to see it

 

Learning how to ask the right questions is sometimes harder than hearing the answer

Resonating deep within, it comes from a peaceful place

Amidst the chaos

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Humility in the Social Security Office

Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , on October 6, 2011 by Shea Atkin

Story Time….

The other day I went to the Social Security office to change back to my maiden name.  This was the first step in the name change process, so I was feeling overwhelmed by all of the other changes I would have to make after this one.  So, I walked into office rather, shall we say, entitled.  Immediately, the officer at  the entrance told me to get off my phone (even though it was a VERY important call!).  I hung up, went to take my number and proceeded to wait for the 70 estimated minutes.

As I sat in the waiting area filling out the application, I called my mom to ask information applicable to the questions on the form.  Apparently I was being monitored and the officer came back and told me I was commiting a federal offense by being on the phone.  In my own self-justification, I was appalled that he was telling me what to do, because it was entirely necessary for me to be on the phone.  I was rude to him.  I wish I could say it ended there.  So, since I couldn’t talk on the phone, I figured texting was kosher.  I texted a friend about what a jerk that officer was being.  2 seconds later, said officer came back and I got into trouble in front of everyone in the office.  I was trying to plead my case, that he never told me I couldn’t text….yadda, yadda.  Excuses, excuses.  At this point, I was livid with this man.  How dare he embarrass me in front of all of these people.  He just doesn’t know what I’ve been through….

Fast forward to today.  I had to return to the Social Security office to pick up the confirmation of name change to take to the DMV.  You better believe I was hoping and praying that officer friendly wasn’t working today.  Just to make sure he didn’t notice me (to avoid confrontation), I wore my workout clothes and put no makeup on.  As soon I walked in the front door, he says: “Oh, you’re back.”.  UGH!  I went and did my business at the window, but I knew that I needed to right this glaringly obvious wrong that I created.  As I was leaving, I pulled the officer to the side and apologized for being snotty to him the other day. I told him that I had just gotten divorced, but that was no reason to take it out on him, he was just doing his job.  He shook my hand and took me outside, explaining to me the security measures that are having to be taken right now in this high alert state.  I felt like I was going to cry. 

The point of this story is this:  There are always reasons and excuses to validate our behavior.  This occurance I was not willing to let pass me by, because I knew in my gut that it was a lesson.  I feel so much better right now.  That was initially what this blog was all about–staying on my side of the street.  By accepting my part in the sitation, I am able to see more clearly how to make things right.  I will never forget this situation, mostly because of how vulnerable I felt while it was going down.  Owning my part always sucks right before I do it, but once it’s done, I realize that it was the right thing to do.  I’m so glad I didn’t just walk out the door and ignore him.  My heart is very happy right now.

Constant Change

Posted in Life, Past, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 4, 2011 by Shea Atkin

If I look at the span of my 31 years, the only true constant has been change.  This is completely contradictory to my natural state.  I try to find normal, only to discover that most of the time it is synonymous with complacency.  There is a fine line between stagnant and serene. 

Through these past couple of months, life has been extremely unpredictable.  If growth comes ftom pain, I must be a giant.  What I have learned about pain most recently is that it exposes areas that I can improve in.  Not necessarily by overactivity, but by allowing the process to occur without interruption.  Just letting what is, to be.  While feeling that my world is falling apart, I have a peace that transcends my day to day “crazy”.  

My default behavior is to make myself really busy so I don’t have to think about what is really happening.  In turn, I become irritable.  To stop this cycle, I choose to stop what I am doing and just sit in silence while letting my thoughts go by without judgement.  Silence can be very uncomfortable.  It means I’m alone with myself.  Scary. But, the more I practice this, the less I fear. Confronting the fear, diminishes it.

Not knowing what the future holds scares the hell out of me.  I know I just have to trust that if I do what is in front of me (not referring to the past or trying to affect the future), everything will happen naturally, organically, as it should. Allowing life to happen on life’s terms.  Sounds great in theory.  Practice is a different story entirely.  I’m doing it though.  Every day. And every day I become more grateful to be allowed to live in the moment.

I’ll continue this journey into the unknown, sometimes kicking and screaming, and sometimes serene.  The longer I live, more is revealed.  And I feel more like myself with each passing day.

No Words

Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 20, 2011 by Shea Atkin

 

Recently, I have found myself here quite often. 

 It’s that point to where I am at the end of myself .  You know, that place where you are sick of talking about doing and actually start ‘doing’. Whatever that means in your life.

The less I say, the more I listen.  Paradoxically, the more I listen, the more I will eventually have to say when the timing is right.  I have done a lot of observing lately.  I am starting to recognize the traits in others that annoy me are usually the exact issues that I struggle with. As soon as I take a step back (from myself), I can usually see where my thinking was distorted.

At this place of no words, I can finally admit to myself that I don’t have all the answers.  There was an illusion of comfort when I asserted control (perceived or real), but ultimately brought nothing but burnout and despair.  I want to not want all of the answers.  It’s exhausting.

This realization makes me very thankful for simple things.  The things I was too busy to pay attention to before.  But this doesn’t mean that everything is feeling good.  Actually, quite the reverse.  I feel more vulnerable and sensitive than ever.  It’s in doing the things that make me extremely uncomfortable that I stumble upon the faith to grow.  It’s being open to the opportunity that I find the lesson.  It’s tough and messy and feels totally wrong, but I have a tiny grain of peace that gets me to the next thing.

In times like these, when I feel no desire to write, it’s probably because life is just a little too real. I’m glad that I decided to push past my feelings of being uncomforable to do what I truly love.  I’m myself when I put pen to paper.  It’s just bringing me back to the present, one day at a time.

The Source

Posted in Life, Poetry, Present with tags , , , , , , on June 18, 2011 by Shea Atkin

 

Floating down the river

Letting the ships pass by

Aware of them–

But life, not contingent on their existence

 

Absorbing energy from the source

The only place that really matters

External instances mean little in comparison to the purpose

 

A constant flow washes over the soul

Allowing cleansing to sweep away the debris that accumulated

 

Symbolic manifestations of tangible occurences

Leading the way for an openness only made possible through pain

And the act of walking through it

Completely

 

Unsure of where this stream will lead

But trusting the source that allows me to stay above the water

 

Holding Space

Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 15, 2011 by Shea Atkin

Corporately we are wired for community.  As we walk through hell, the tendency to dissociate is high.  Most of us don’t want advice.  We want someone to be present in our grief.  To validate what we are going through.  We are hard-wired for connection, but when something traumatic happens, our intellect (and culture) tells us to stuff it and not deal with the pain.  Biologically speaking–if we are able to discharge the nervous system–the symptoms lose power.  We won’t be “stuck”.  The Animal Kingdom is a prime example.  They don’t have the cultural stigma attached to processing pain.  They just discharge instinctually.

As our anxiety increases, our functioning goes down.  Thus, affecting everyone as a whole.  It’s not just the individual that suffers, it’s everyone around the individual.  We are all connected.  If we could just allow the Reptilian (Instinctual) side of the brain do it’s job–a new sense of freedom will inevitably occur.  We will have the freedom to just “be”.  Along with freedom comes a price–the dropping of symptoms.  Some of us like to hold onto our old patterns, because we wear them as  a label–because it is comfortable.  The cost of freedom, is freedom itself.

Willingness is the key to any kind of change.  Until this occurs internally, transformation cannot occur.  With no judgement, and no expectation–we can “be” present with an individual and allow them the space to heal safely.  To give a voice to the silenced and alone–and to walk through this world, together as one.

Cumulative Integration

Posted in Life, Poetry, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 2, 2011 by Shea Atkin

This poem was written for my Trauma Touch Therapy classmates.  Words cannot really do justice to what we experienced–but this is about as close as I can get to sharing my soul.  TTT, 2011–this one is for you.

 

Sifting through sensations to find the root that was cut off by the mind

Corporately holding space until freedom decides to surface through choice

 

Alive for the first time since the death

The core breathing in the air of acceptance

Sensing the truth which was hidden by a lie

Loving as a verb–using the definition accurately

 

Forever joined by the experience of breaking free

United as a whole–wholly

Giving ourselves permission to live–for the intended purpose we were created

 

Coming home for the first time–

And will stay here for eternity

as ONE.