Archive for darkness


Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 28, 2011 by Shea Atkin


It’s not just about color.  What if we decided to just banish preconceived notions altogether?



1.  An unfavorable opinion or feeling formed beforehand or without knowledge, thought or reason.

2. Any preconceived opinion or feeling, either favorable or unfavorable.

3. Unreasonable feelings, opinions or attitudes, especially of a hostile nature, regarding a racial, religious or national group.

4.  Damage or injury; detriment

As I read these definitions, I think about how many times I have been guilty of it.  This hits home on a variety of levels.  I think of all the times I have prejudged an instance before it even took place–most of the time resulting in a one-sided approach on my part (because I have already decided the outcome).  Whether good or bad, this means that I was not currently living in the present.  It means that I already had judgement.

How different it would be if I arrived with an open mind.

Learning to see past my pre-judgements, if truly embraced, changes the course of my life.

Instead of assuming, I would listen for commonalities.

I would be able to love with no strings attached.

I would wake up each day without fear of what lies ahead.

We would all be able to share in the fact that we are, in fact, all in the human race–TOGETHER.

My adversaries would become my partners.

There would be no war.


Utopia?  Perhaps.  But I don’t think it’s too far fetched if we just allowed understanding and decency into our worlds.

I’m not naive to our current condition.  However, this concept is needed more now than ever.  If we continue to live in ‘life bubbles’, the world around us crumbles and we remain isolated and destruction takes place without knowledge.  It takes hard work and pushing our own buttons (and ego) to purge the inactivity.  Most of the time, we aren’t even aware that we possess a certain prejudice.  It surfaces when least expected and then is pushed back down because of shame or unwillingness to address it.

I choose to start each day with the willingness to admit if I’m wrong.  This doesn’t mean I become a doormat, it means that the weight of the world on my shoulders, lifts.  If I am upset about something (or someone), I pull out a notebook and start writing what area of my life this affects.  From there I can trace it back to the root.  I write out a gratitude list when I’m not feeling particularly grateful for anything.  These steps get me out of myself and into service for others, and in turn, shifts my perspective.

Adhering to the way I always did things is just pure insanity.  If I want change, guess what?  I have to initiate it.  No one can do it for me.  I have to accept the responsibility, follow through, and persevere.  Thank God I’m not in it alone.  There is no way I could do it by myself.  It takes a village and thankfully I’ve got some pretty amazing neighbors in mine.

I pray peace, understanding and willingness to the reader.  I’m in the same boat.  We all are.  Let’s make it a better and richer existence by listening, accepting and loving.







Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2010 by Shea Atkin

Taking myself out of the equation grants permission to exude compassion


Remnants of granules taken off the shelf to encourage healing

Philosophical debates softened by a wounded , yet educated heart

Piecing together the reason through surrender,

I cling to the knowledge that was derived from the experienced


Not tangled up in opinion

Submitting to the power that is greater than my feelings

Uninhibited by relative pursuers, I can be me

Recoiling from the torture that was at one time a daily occurence


Synonymous with elation–

But balanced with a steady wisdom from a trusted source

The gift of simplicity is gently restored


Flashback to the slavery of self

Conceptualization of insanity


Being fragile isn’t such a bad thing–

When I allow a shift in perspective

Shallow just means it is finally coming to the surface…


I allow my foundation to change slowly–

And without force–

To produce a faith that is not easily swayed by negativity


Collections of truth to diminish fear–

Yet only possible through active participation

I sway back towards the darkness to convince myself of why I chose another road

It creates an instant reminder of the root of my decision


Regaining strength from the process of perceived failure

Thankful for the permission to make mistakes.

Ignorance Amplified

Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , , , on December 6, 2010 by Shea Atkin

With the seclusion of purpose.

Ideals confused with entitlement


Scavenged by predatory individualism

Singleness of purpose, distorted

Ficticious invasion of self fulfillment

Intrusive objectification of judgement


Lethargy invited by stagnant authority

Metaphorical facts laced with grandiosity–presented as desirable–intended for complacency

Selfishness disguised as affection while plagued with the guilt of inactivity


Subliminal possibility to claw to the side of understanding,

Yet saturated by ghosts of past darkness

Inferior only by choice


Corruption deactivated and then perpetuated

Following examples of mediocracy– while hoping for the opposite

Submerged in fear and drenched with judgement

Unable to look at both sides of the whole, unfortunately


Symbolism apparent with traces of longing

Tension exonerated then captured again–

Only to wonder why this always happens.


Posted in Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 26, 2010 by Shea Atkin

Spiraling down

Into the maze of myself

Wondering when the bottom will materialize


Entrancing image of false love

Objectified by ulterior motives

Used as a means to detrimental end


Convinced of validity

Appropriateness is an afterthought


The abyss envelops

In a comforting darkness

Enticing with promises

Of idealized complacency


Clawing for the soul that was once contained

Now is unreachable due to a shift in perspective


Deciphering the fiction from fact

The truth consumes all but my will

Allowing me to identify

The true bottom at the correct time


Another Blackout

Posted in Past with tags , , , , , , on October 28, 2010 by Shea Atkin

I have many different notebooks for different styles of writing.

Since I have been sick the past couple of days, I get stir crazy and start organizing–

I found a random journal with just one page of writing, barely legible.

I don’t know when it was written and I have no recollection of writing it–

but it is definitely mine–my handwriting and everything.

Showing me how far down my addiction took me–

And the clarity I was seeking for– in the midst of complete darkness.


“No new thoughts plague every fiber

How long is the wait?

The surface seems too far up–

And underground is where I have been.

Sunlight is too pushy

I sink back.

This is not by choice–

Or is it?

Nothing but scattered nothingness

Filling up the empty holes–

Left vacant for coping mechanisms.

Counterfeit generic is what I have been reduced to

Separation is the only option available to avoid enmeshment.

Walls built for survival–

But for whom?

Fading to the point of false memories–

And making decisions based on misperceptions.

Loving to the point of hatred

Darkness 0nly because

Light is not an option.

I’ll take the alternative–

Because I’m bored.

Unable to find an outlet that fits–

My pieces are always wrong

I received the incorrect puzzle.

Death on the very inside–

So where is there to go from there?

Absolute unworthiness–

But always subject to change

Can’t ever figure out where I really am…

Always feel as an unwelcomed visitor–

In the way–

Nice from a distance–

Where do I belong?

And will I ever be me?” -Shea (Date Unknown)

The Dark Days

Posted in Present with tags , , , , , on October 10, 2010 by Shea Atkin

Seeing the content that I have currently posted to this new blog site makes me want to explain a few things.

I am very much aware of the fact that much of my past is very much a “morbid reflection”.

But, I have come to the conclusion that the light I experience now, is in direct relation to the darkness I went through in the past.

I was trapped in a world of illusions.

I hid my true despair and heart from my church friends–

and at the same time, I hid my faith from my agnostic and atheist friends.

Keeping up the lie that I could mix with everybody without causing controversy–I forgot who I was as a creation.

I would role play and mimic understanding, without having the slightest clue of what I believed.

All the while, wondering why I felt so isolated and alone–

and why no one understood me?

How could they?

I was living the ultimate lie–

Living for approval.

Performance based,

Attention seeking,


Presently, I choose to be fearless in my pursuit of truth (whatever that may be).

I might offend or inspire–

but either way, it is from the heart.

And that is all I choose to convey.

“The Dark Days” are the reason I am here today with the purpose I have.

I don’t forget them, but I definitely am not a victim of them either.

That darkness is the reason I know what light is.

And I am forever grateful for both.


Posted in Past with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 8, 2010 by Shea Atkin


Nov 15, 2002

“Raped my body

Mutilated my soul.

I fear not what you have done to me

But what I have done since you left

I am no longer scared of what I feared the most

It has already been done–

And only the invisible scars remain

Hollow feelings and vacant expressions are all I can offer

Who am I really?

22 years old and just now remembering my 16th year.

Proof is only visible when you choose to see it

Vicious flashbacks of a monster

Reminds me of why I was always scared of them

Torn clothes and flesh

Left only for me to retrieve in due time

Ripped emotions out of my body

Restored only with one hand on my stomach

I find myself in a peaceful place

Happy to be out of the Hell that I once was in

The comfort of not knowing would have been my ultimate demise

Sanity resides when denial is destroyed

Forgiving but not forgetting is my goal

Who can ever be free of pain?

We are all called to merely help those along the way

Our reward is ourselves being helped along with them

Rage has departed and compassion has entered

Understanding is what made that possible

I shall sleep soundly

Knowing that my faith will get me where I need to be.”


Forgiveness can only exist if there is a reason for it.  For years, I tried to figure out why this happened to me.  The answer came in the form of forgiveness.

I have to wonder what must have happened to my attacker to make him commit such a vicious crime?  I pray for him and hope that he has found truth.

I would be trapped if I continually was victimized by this situation.

I have been able to share my story with so many troubled teens (and adults).

We all just want to know that we are not alone in our struggle.

Honestly, I don’t know if I would even go back and change it if I could.  I am so grateful for the people that God has brought into my life because of it.

The bigger crime would be if I let it dominate and run my life–so I choose forgiveness.