Archive for Human

Only Questions

Posted in Life, Past, Poetry, Present with tags , , , , , on January 4, 2013 by Shea Atkin

Sitting with no answers
Only questions of motives
And a sinking feeling in my gut–
Only though about after the alleged occurrence

Questioning what is real
And what is just perception
And aren’t both the same?

Leaves me to ask
What’s the point of all this?

A long succession of self-judged failures
Masking as a lesson
At least that is how it feels

This journey, that is supposed to be the point?

I make more mistakes than ever before
Or maybe I’m just more aware
Or maybe my position on the word mistake has changed

Wanting to escape the elusive “I am”
Hit the pause button every now and then
Longing for the easier way I had grown so accustomed

But the honest way provides no shortcuts
No escape routes
The distance is the same for everybody
That comforts
And irritates me
All at the same time

This human experience
The unpredictability of it all
The unknown
And the known
Is everything
And nothing
All at the same time

Space Mountain

Posted in Present with tags , , , , , , on February 1, 2011 by Shea Atkin

While Ollie and I were building blocks this morning, I had a Disney World documentary on in the background.  As soon as the Space Mountain part came up–I started tearing up.  It reminded me of one of the times our grandparents took us down there.  Grandpa and I were the thrill seekers, while Grandma and Piper just watched us make fools of ourselves.  So, Grandpa and I were in line for Space Mountain for a good hour at least.  As soon as our turn came along, for some reason, I freak out and tell him that I cannot do it.  I don’t know what it was, but I just got terrified all of a sudden.  My sweet grandpa was livid, but he kept his cool.  For those of you who knew him–He was definitely not known for his patience!  But, he loved Piper and I with a love that was indescribable.  He sucked it up, and we walked back to Piper and Grandma after waiting in line for over an hour.

I’m not sure of why I remember this so vividly, as I have not thought about it in years.  We were really young, but I remember how much he did for us and how many times “Space Mountain” occurences happened without my finite knowledge.  Unconditional love is a rare and amazing gift.  I didn’t realize what it was until after he was long gone.  I am so grateful to have been able to have him as my grandfather.  I learned so much from his example and he never got to see the result.  I was still a crazy, immature 21 year old when he died–but I like to think that he knew I was a carbon copy of him and that I would turn out alright. We were both completely hardheaded and stubborn, but we learned from our mistakes (eventually).  He actually died a few days after we have one of our famous “spars”, which of course he got the last laugh (as always).  I regretted it for years, but I know that it didn’t really matter, he knew my heart and loved me for it.

I can’t believe that a Space Mountain documentary brought all of this up.  I sit here writing with tears rolling down my face.  Memories are crazy things.  I think what got me is that I picked up  my phone to call him and tell him the memory as soon as it happened–It was second nature. Once I realized he was dead, I lost it.  Ollie was looking at me with a completely puzzled look, I’m not much of a crier.  I’m guessing he was quite confused.  Even though my Grampee has been gone for almost a decade, he still feels very much alive.

I miss him more than I could ever write.  I just hope that I can be as good of a parent to Ollie as he was to me.

Prejudice

Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 28, 2011 by Shea Atkin

 

It’s not just about color.  What if we decided to just banish preconceived notions altogether?

 

PREJUDICE–

1.  An unfavorable opinion or feeling formed beforehand or without knowledge, thought or reason.

2. Any preconceived opinion or feeling, either favorable or unfavorable.

3. Unreasonable feelings, opinions or attitudes, especially of a hostile nature, regarding a racial, religious or national group.

4.  Damage or injury; detriment

http://www.dictionary.com

As I read these definitions, I think about how many times I have been guilty of it.  This hits home on a variety of levels.  I think of all the times I have prejudged an instance before it even took place–most of the time resulting in a one-sided approach on my part (because I have already decided the outcome).  Whether good or bad, this means that I was not currently living in the present.  It means that I already had judgement.

How different it would be if I arrived with an open mind.

Learning to see past my pre-judgements, if truly embraced, changes the course of my life.

Instead of assuming, I would listen for commonalities.

I would be able to love with no strings attached.

I would wake up each day without fear of what lies ahead.

We would all be able to share in the fact that we are, in fact, all in the human race–TOGETHER.

My adversaries would become my partners.

There would be no war.

 

Utopia?  Perhaps.  But I don’t think it’s too far fetched if we just allowed understanding and decency into our worlds.

I’m not naive to our current condition.  However, this concept is needed more now than ever.  If we continue to live in ‘life bubbles’, the world around us crumbles and we remain isolated and destruction takes place without knowledge.  It takes hard work and pushing our own buttons (and ego) to purge the inactivity.  Most of the time, we aren’t even aware that we possess a certain prejudice.  It surfaces when least expected and then is pushed back down because of shame or unwillingness to address it.

I choose to start each day with the willingness to admit if I’m wrong.  This doesn’t mean I become a doormat, it means that the weight of the world on my shoulders, lifts.  If I am upset about something (or someone), I pull out a notebook and start writing what area of my life this affects.  From there I can trace it back to the root.  I write out a gratitude list when I’m not feeling particularly grateful for anything.  These steps get me out of myself and into service for others, and in turn, shifts my perspective.

Adhering to the way I always did things is just pure insanity.  If I want change, guess what?  I have to initiate it.  No one can do it for me.  I have to accept the responsibility, follow through, and persevere.  Thank God I’m not in it alone.  There is no way I could do it by myself.  It takes a village and thankfully I’ve got some pretty amazing neighbors in mine.

I pray peace, understanding and willingness to the reader.  I’m in the same boat.  We all are.  Let’s make it a better and richer existence by listening, accepting and loving.

 

 

 

 

Jealousy

Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 29, 2010 by Shea Atkin

” A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.” ~Robert A. Heinlein

“In jealousy there is more self-love than love.”  ~François, Duc de La RochefoucauldMaxims, 1665

“Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.”  ~Josh Billings

“Envy is the most stupid of vices, for there is no single advantage to be gained from it.”  ~Honore de Balzac

Definition of Jealousy:

1. Jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another’s success or advantage itself..
2. Mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry,unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.
3. Vigilance in maintaining or guarding something. ——- Dictionary.com
I’m guilty of it.  How bout you?
I find that when I feel that green dragon beast well up inside me, it has less to do with the person it is aimed at and more about the lack of security within myself.  It’s in the moments where I feel like I am cosmically owed something.  As if the Universe or God or whatever has slighted me…  Has forgotten about me….What else I could have done to make myself worthy of what I am envious of.  These are not the right thoughts to go to, but I am also human and probably a pretty naturally easy emotion to default to if I’m not spiritually in check.
Most of the time I don’t realize it until it has already had an affect.  By nature, I’m not necessarily what would be described as a “jealous person”, but I still have my moments.  Like, if someone possesses something that I wish I had by now.  Or if there is a certain quality that I admire in an individual.  Respect slowly turns to jealousy and the admiration sours to bitterness in a split second.  I’m learning to catch it quickly now so I can label the resentment and move on, but earlier–it would fester and I would feel a certain entitlement to be bitter about what I did not have.  Not cool.  Not cool at all!
The people that I look up to and admire have had their long, hard road and are benefitting from their past pain and living in the moment .  THAT is admirable.  They have had their share of heartache and don’t sit around, wallowing in self loathing and bitterness.  They picked themselves up and kept on walking.  They didn’t stay stagnant.  They persevered.  They didn’t take “no” for an answer.  They didn’t continue to live in the past.  And they definitely would not want anyone to be jealous of them!  Now, there are such unfortunate cases that have acquired a substantial amount of material possessions through wealth (and flaunt it shamelessly), but that is not the point of what I am writing about.   I am reminded of a verse in Proverbs 16:5  which states: “God can’t stomach arrogance or pretense; believe me, he’ll put those upstarts in their place.”
So, I guess what I am getting at is the root of jealousy is insecurity.  The only person that can choose to deal with the insecurity is me.  I must be the one to want to change.  It’s not everyone else that needs to change.  It’s me.  If I think that everyone else is the problem–chances are, I am the one with the problem!  I’ve seen it quite a bit in others recently and observed the detriment that comes along with the baggage.  It’s a terrible emotion to possess, but with any sort of pain, this can be good.  Pain exists to show that there is a problem.  If there were no inflammation (pain), I wouldn’t know that there was an issue.  So for the pain, I am thankful.  It shows me how to move forward and be happy for those around me who have already gone through this season of life.  I learn from them on a daily basis, and instead of being jealous of what they have–I am honored to be able to learn from their past mistakes and their present good fortune.

The Wall

Posted in Present with tags , , , , , , , , , on November 23, 2010 by Shea Atkin

Deconstructing figments of imagination

Impenetrable only due to faulty perception

 

Going back to the origin of establishment

Questioning the foundation

And the components used in making its existence

 

Natural elements

Beautifully flawed

All combined to create

The ultimate barrier of architectural perfection

 

Rooted in truth and lies

Flowing through the structure

To evoke

Ambivalence  and destruction–

All at the predetermined time

 

A sturdy integration

Of separate yet equal parts

Each vital for survival of the whole

 

Keeping out

What possibly should be invited in

 

Peaceful visualization

Of life without the need for protection

 

Climbing to the top

Only to find

There is a long fall down to the bottom

 

Scratching the surface

Chipping away pieces–

Little by little

To eventually get to the place

I’ve been searching for

For so long