Archive for God

Only Questions

Posted in Life, Past, Poetry, Present with tags , , , , , on January 4, 2013 by Shea Atkin

Sitting with no answers
Only questions of motives
And a sinking feeling in my gut–
Only though about after the alleged occurrence

Questioning what is real
And what is just perception
And aren’t both the same?

Leaves me to ask
What’s the point of all this?

A long succession of self-judged failures
Masking as a lesson
At least that is how it feels

This journey, that is supposed to be the point?

I make more mistakes than ever before
Or maybe I’m just more aware
Or maybe my position on the word mistake has changed

Wanting to escape the elusive “I am”
Hit the pause button every now and then
Longing for the easier way I had grown so accustomed

But the honest way provides no shortcuts
No escape routes
The distance is the same for everybody
That comforts
And irritates me
All at the same time

This human experience
The unpredictability of it all
The unknown
And the known
Is everything
And nothing
All at the same time

Advertisements

God’s Will?

Posted in Life, Past, Present with tags , , , , , , on November 15, 2012 by Shea Atkin

Many times it doesn’t look like I think it should.
It conflicts with my opinion of how things should be or how people should act.
But who am I to determine whether something is or isn’t God’s will?

Every morning I wake up and turn my will over to God. Since I’ve been doing this, things haven’t been pretty. It shows me how long I have been operating out of my own will. A lot of times, God’s will and my will collide. So I pray that he aligns my will with his. That is when balance and serenity arrive. Things don’t necessarily go my way, but I get to practice.

It’s elusive and always contingent on timing.
There is no formula.
What’s right for me might not be right for you.
We all have to experience our own powerlessness before we truly turn our will over to a Higher Power.

God’s will for your life or anybody elses? Who knows? I can barely figure it out for myself. So when I find myself judging others and thinking I know what’s best for their lives (or the world and everybody in it), that’s when I’m playing God. So I get to practice being aware that I did it–and then turn the perceived power I think I have over to the Creator of The Universe. I’m pretty sure he can handle it.

But…

When it comes to the little day to day decisions, how quickly I forget that. I make decisions based on opinion, mood or ego without pausing to check my motives or ask God what he wants me to do.

My days look different when I turn my will over. I often do things against my will and the outcome is better that I expected. A lot of times it is painful and I don’t want to do certain things. That’s when I remind myself that his grace is sufficient for whatever situation he brings me to.

It’s messy and I feel like I screw up more than I succeed, but it’s from an honest place.
Finally.
And I get the privilege of becoming more aware, as long as I am willing to be.

This is trust

Posted in Life, Past, Poetry, Present with tags , , , , , , , on September 18, 2012 by Shea Atkin

That moment you can choose not to
But you do
The easier way would be to back out
But you don’t

You put yourself out there
Probably scared
But practice not contingent on the outcome

It builds
Little by little
By taking chances
Feeling the fear
And doing it anyway

By wanting something different
And risking loss
At all costs

Potentially facing
Abandonment
Heartbreak
Rejection
Punishment
Judgment

It’s that little voice inside
That yearns for something more
Than previous behavior allowed

It’s swallowing the pride
And disarming the ego
Simply because
It’s the right thing to do

It’s a shaky faith
In the midst of chaos
While knowing that

Practice

Is the only way

To strengthen

It’s that place that scares the hell out of you
While processing

And that place that you don’t yet trust
But you trust in the theory of trust
So you decide to give it a try

It’s all the things
That fear is not

And to the extent of risk
Is the capacity of
Joy
And
Sadness

All the while knowing
That if the full heart
Isn’t invested
Then what’s the point?

Experiencing Euphoria

Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 13, 2011 by Shea Atkin

Today has been one of the most monumental days of my life.

I woke up to the sound of my phone at 4:36 this morning, my client called me to say that she was in labor!  She has been a massage client of mine for years and I have worked on her through her entire pregnancy.  Today I was able to massage her through labor and delivery.  AMAZING.

Luckily, the little guy was born at 7:30 this morning and I didn’t have to cancel my clients today.  I’m exhausted, but on a natural high right now.

At 2:30 I went to meet with a therapist to collaborate in regards to my upcoming Trauma Touch Therapy™ workshop.  This will combine the somatic approach to physical and psychological effects due to Trauma.  We will be writing an article  for publication soon, so stay tuned!  My workshop is at the end of May, and I can’t tell you how incredibly excited I am to be able to implement this into my practice.

Going through my own personal trauma is the reason I am extremely passionate about this approach.  All of the hell that I went through, now completely makes sense and seems worth it.  I feel that God just created a specialty especially for me.  I know that sounds completely selfish, but I am amazed at the personal interest He takes in my life.  Everything that has happened has led up to me being able to be trusted with this opportunity.  I am  grateful and extremely humbled to be given such a special gift.

I know this blog is all over the place today, but I’m living off of espresso shots to get me through til my next client.  During this 30 minute break, I wanted to get it out there with the passion that I am feeling in this exact moment.  I don’t want to forget the euphoria that I feel right now with all of the life changing events that happened today.

I’m sure tonight I am going to crash like nobodies business, but right now I am on top of the world.  Living a life of purpose and passion is beyond explanation.  I’m so thankful that I get to participate this fully in life and recovery.

Completely Different But Exactly The Same

Posted in Present with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 12, 2011 by Shea Atkin

Sometimes I experience the same feeling but on opposite ends of the spectrum.  It kind of goes along with the continuum theory that I believe in.  Most of the time I notice it when trying to work on a “core issue”.  Feelings arise and I have to trace back to the origination.  I find that a lot of the time, my maturity was stunted at an early age.  Not intellectually, but emotionally.  Going back and righting some of the “wrongs” that I did feels very juvenile–because it is.  It’s stuff that could have been addressed 15 years back, but never was.  Until now.

Usually I have no trouble writing what is on my mind (or heart), but this is tricky.  It hits a certain area that has been lying dormant for quite sometime.  Not addressing it has caused not only a dichotomy, but an internal war within.  Ever reminding me that nothing is ever solved by avoidance.  It only prolongs the inevitable–dealing.  It feels jumbled and messy, but I know that I have to walk through it to gain anything positive.

I used to act as if nothing was wrong….Like, if I didn’t talk about it–it wasn’t real.  Now I realize that if I talk to God or a trustworthy friend, I can be totally honest about where I am presently at.  This usually entails talking about the huge metaphorical elephant in the room.  At first, this felt completely foreign and out of character.  But the more I practice this “bearing of the soul”, the more freedom I feel and the more authentic I am.  Things that I was not able to access a few months ago are coming to the surface.  On the continuum theory, this is progress.  I’m either moving forward or moving back.  Being stagnant is not an option.

When you break it down, we all have the same core issues.  They might manifest completely different–but they are exactly the same.  Basically we are all searching for the same thing.  People that I thought I could never relate to, are actually extremely similar souls.  Yesterday I heard someone say: “We all seem to suffer from terminal uniqueness.” So true!  If I continue to see myself completely different from the rest of the Universe, I will never work on the areas that we all have in common and help each other with.  Don’t get me wrong, I believe that everyone is created unique and different with a distinct purpose.  What I am referring to is the notion that “nobody can relate to me…..oh poor me–I’m all alone in the big bad world that has wronged me” type of stuff.

Soapbox done.  It’s much more scattered than normal, but unedited for a reason.  It needs to get out this way sometimes.  Rigorous Honesty.  Moving Forward. Becoming Whole.

One Day At A Time.

Posted in Life, Past, Present with tags , , , , , , , on January 11, 2011 by Shea Atkin

 

Reflection is an amazing attribute.  But, new days are even more magical.

Yesterday was tough but today I woke up with the determination and willingness to not dwell on it.  I have the support of friends and family to get me through myself.  Thinking back to the reactions that I used to have makes me cringe–but now I am able to use those memories to relate to others.  An honest approach is all we can hope for.  Fearless honesty is the only way to work it.

As I listen to people share their stories, I am reminded that I am far from being alone.  There is a fine line between solitude and isolation.  For the past month, I have been isolating even though many of people have surrounded me.  Nothing feels worse than being in a room full of people and feeling completely alone.  But today is a new day.  I  can’t change the past–I can only deal with the here and now.

I’m so grateful for the peace that I feel.  Not too long ago, I would fake it.  I was pretty good at putting on a front.  But in the end–the only person I was fooling was myself.  My life was like a chameleon.  Whatever I thought somebody would want me to be, is what I would fabricate.  It was completely exhausting, being everything to everyone.  Not that I did that great of a job at it–but I sure did it to keep up appearances.

I’ve had some hard blows recently.  Today, I choose to look at the picture as a whole and push forward regardless of how I feel.  Feelings are NOT facts.  As soon as that truly permeates my heart, clarity and acceptance appears.  I’m thankful I’m alive to live this day and I have no fear of what is to come.  I know that God will take care of me no matter what and I’m so thankful that I am His child.