Archive for rant

Recycled Vulnerability

Posted in Life, Past, Poetry, Present with tags , , , , , , , , on March 25, 2011 by Shea Atkin

 

Lying dormant for the right opportunity

Surfacing when emotionally available

 

Second thoughts materializing as the answer

Questioning logic while entertaining fantasy

Visceral reaction–sparked by letting go

 

Compromising trust with choice

Rarely saving reality a seat

 

Options infinitum

 

Nothing is new

All has been here before

 

Learning from the past

As I enjoy the present

I wait for the future

Which has already taken place

The Unknown

Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , , on January 27, 2011 by Shea Atkin

 

It’s scary.  Seriously.

Over the past couple of months, our family has been faced with some big choices.  Like the fact that we have to be out of our home in 30 day and we have no idea where we are going to live.  It has become a huge catch 22, but there is the hope and peace that is inside me that transcends my actual situation.  As I look back on past dilemmas that I thought were impossible, it all seemed to play out regardless of my feelings about it.  We are still trying to recover from the 3 months I was out of work with a broken arm–and I know we will get through this trial as well (as we always do).  But, sometimes I just get so tired of life.  Not suicidal–I just wish I could press the pause button for a while.

I know tomorrow is a new day and for that I am thankful.  Every day that comes is a welcomed break from the one before.  It’s one day closer to an answer.  Each problem that arises gives me opportunity to face it a different way than I previously did.  Allowing the phrase “Easy Does It” to resonate and permeate into every fiber of my being.  Looking at this conceptually gives me the objectivity to just ‘be’.

As I watched Ollie (my 2 year old) play with his puzzle the other day, I had an “Ah Ha!” moment.  He was so frustrated trying to get Mickey in the puzzle slot.  He started banging the puzzle, turned red and started crying because the puzzle piece just wasn’t fitting the way he was attempting.  I calmly explained to him that Mickey would fit, just calm down and it would go in the hole perfectly.  As he listened to my instruction, amazingly enough, Mickey returned to his puzzle home.  I tend to attack life with the same determination that Ollie tried to make that piece fit.  All of my frustration and crying sometimes exaggerates the current condition.  If I just pause, breathe and relax, most of the time stuff just has a way of working out.

I’m hoping for clarity soon, but even if I don’t get it–that’s ok.  I know my Higher Power is watching out for me and will take care my family in a way that I cannot.  I have to trust that the right thing will come at just the right time.  If I rush into something prematurely, I could miss something really wonderful because I was to impatient to wait.  Looking forward to blogging about the outcome, whatever that may be.

 

Ignorance Amplified

Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , , , on December 6, 2010 by Shea Atkin

With the seclusion of purpose.

Ideals confused with entitlement

 

Scavenged by predatory individualism

Singleness of purpose, distorted

Ficticious invasion of self fulfillment

Intrusive objectification of judgement

 

Lethargy invited by stagnant authority

Metaphorical facts laced with grandiosity–presented as desirable–intended for complacency

Selfishness disguised as affection while plagued with the guilt of inactivity

 

Subliminal possibility to claw to the side of understanding,

Yet saturated by ghosts of past darkness

Inferior only by choice

 

Corruption deactivated and then perpetuated

Following examples of mediocracy– while hoping for the opposite

Submerged in fear and drenched with judgement

Unable to look at both sides of the whole, unfortunately

 

Symbolism apparent with traces of longing

Tension exonerated then captured again–

Only to wonder why this always happens.

Fractal Rants

Posted in Past with tags , , on October 28, 2010 by Shea Atkin

My Beautiful Chaos–

This is the first time in the attempt to get thoughts out of my head as they come without a filter…here it goes:

“Idiosyncratic anomalies contrived solely existence aficionado helpless amongst slavery
torched alone silently
freedom repressed
longing for survival and melancholy morbid reflections
longing for intimacy striving for success
reaching for consistency in love and pain
searing memories distorted
ambivalent loneliness
autonomic nervous system
alone in my head
help on it’s way–never quick enough
love/leaning
alive/dead synonymous inside my physically
oxymoron present currently
jealousy=death
sickness=toxicity
head knowledge not the same as heart knowledge
equivalent to the distance of 18 inches freedom from self
freedom to be myself
the puzzle piece finally fits
voices quieting by talking
secrets diminishing
soul at peace yet still alive
assumed death was the only solace
complacent thoughts activated
the journey has begun
life underway
getting a head-start on living in the moment
accountability restored
trust reconciliation
spirit quenched–life awakened–breathe,it’s okay
think only with heart–head does too much, which inevitably equates to filtered truth
the endless pursuit of humility–finding God forever–in turn forever finding self
appreciation, gratitude, fire and love culminating from within
performing for no one other than Him who created me
to love with the way He envisioned
making Him happy–makes me happy
to see Him smile is my ultimate reward
searching constantly and always changing
molding but pliable
useful, hopefully
unwavering only with your guidance
praying for consistency
in love with the idea of peace
theorizing the future
excited about new possibilities
cerebral reconciliation–heart in check–soul at peace.” -Shea 2010