Experiencing Euphoria

Today has been one of the most monumental days of my life.

I woke up to the sound of my phone at 4:36 this morning, my client called me to say that she was in labor!  She has been a massage client of mine for years and I have worked on her through her entire pregnancy.  Today I was able to massage her through labor and delivery.  AMAZING.

Luckily, the little guy was born at 7:30 this morning and I didn’t have to cancel my clients today.  I’m exhausted, but on a natural high right now.

At 2:30 I went to meet with a therapist to collaborate in regards to my upcoming Trauma Touch Therapy™ workshop.  This will combine the somatic approach to physical and psychological effects due to Trauma.  We will be writing an article  for publication soon, so stay tuned!  My workshop is at the end of May, and I can’t tell you how incredibly excited I am to be able to implement this into my practice.

Going through my own personal trauma is the reason I am extremely passionate about this approach.  All of the hell that I went through, now completely makes sense and seems worth it.  I feel that God just created a specialty especially for me.  I know that sounds completely selfish, but I am amazed at the personal interest He takes in my life.  Everything that has happened has led up to me being able to be trusted with this opportunity.  I am  grateful and extremely humbled to be given such a special gift.

I know this blog is all over the place today, but I’m living off of espresso shots to get me through til my next client.  During this 30 minute break, I wanted to get it out there with the passion that I am feeling in this exact moment.  I don’t want to forget the euphoria that I feel right now with all of the life changing events that happened today.

I’m sure tonight I am going to crash like nobodies business, but right now I am on top of the world.  Living a life of purpose and passion is beyond explanation.  I’m so thankful that I get to participate this fully in life and recovery.

Starting Over

The day I stop “starting over” is the day that I give up.

This was written a few years ago in the middle of abuse counseling.

I never want to forget the authenticity that came out of that experience.

I’m so thankful for where I am now–even though times are still tough.

I will always remember the work it took (and will always take)–to be alive.

“I find myself taking in a huge amount of information but coupled with the knowledge that it means nothing unless I put it into practice.

I’m contemplating psychological explanations and the actual correlation between real life and feelings from the heart.  Let me explain.  In the words of Eugene Peterson:

“Wisdom is the art of living skillfully in whatever actual conditions we find ourselves.”

I have been pondering that quote all day.  Over the past couple of years I have taken life to the very core of my being and found some pretty messy and dirty things.  I am a rape survivor, so I have a lot of counseling that I have been through and worked out scenarios in my head and on paper a million times.  I keep coming back to one reality that is ringing true for me time and time again and it is this:  I cannot and will not continue to be a product of learned behavior.

For a while I tried to find who to blame, took it out on people who didn’t deserve it and let others slide for offenses they should have been called out on.  We all have screwed up pasts, baggage and families.  But I refuse to let my actions continue to negatively affect myself or those around me.  I refuse to let my past and lack of being able to let go of certain things affect my life now.  Situations don’t even matter to me anymore. Behavior is a matter of what comes out of the heart and if I never get real about that, then what am I doing?  I choose to work on the hard stuff.  I choose to deal with the stuff I don’t want to look at so I can come out of denial.  I am ready for the pain of that choice.  Because for me, the only way to heal is facing it, dealing with it head on, and letting it go.

I choose to stop complaining about my day to day life and start realizing to be patient with myself in the process.  Most of the time if I am stressed about learning something, I shut down and miss the point completely.  I am going to break that habit.  I learn the best through experience and that is something that can’t be forced so therefore, I shall relax.

I want to be truly at peace.  That means that I have to allow myself to feel.  Yes, I said feel.  I have never truly done that “heart work”.  I mean, yeah, everyone feels but it is usually as a reaction to something someone did to them.  I want to be able to recognize my feeling as Sadness, Anger, Fear or Anxiety. You have no idea how hard that is for me to differentiate.  Something so simple, to me is so complex.  I am taking it back to the basics.  Along the way, that got tainted for me.  There I go into the learned behavior.  I choose to do something about it now, so it doesnt mess up the rest of my life and the people in it.

So , that is my soapbox for tonight.  I am balancing psychology with the human heart and I am really liking the results.  Like I said earlier, knowledge is nothing unless we put it into practice in our daily lives.” Shea 2007

Forgiveness

Rape

Nov 15, 2002

“Raped my body

Mutilated my soul.

I fear not what you have done to me

But what I have done since you left

I am no longer scared of what I feared the most

It has already been done–

And only the invisible scars remain

Hollow feelings and vacant expressions are all I can offer

Who am I really?

22 years old and just now remembering my 16th year.

Proof is only visible when you choose to see it

Vicious flashbacks of a monster

Reminds me of why I was always scared of them

Torn clothes and flesh

Left only for me to retrieve in due time

Ripped emotions out of my body

Restored only with one hand on my stomach

I find myself in a peaceful place

Happy to be out of the Hell that I once was in

The comfort of not knowing would have been my ultimate demise

Sanity resides when denial is destroyed

Forgiving but not forgetting is my goal

Who can ever be free of pain?

We are all called to merely help those along the way

Our reward is ourselves being helped along with them

Rage has departed and compassion has entered

Understanding is what made that possible

I shall sleep soundly

Knowing that my faith will get me where I need to be.”

-Shea

Forgiveness can only exist if there is a reason for it.  For years, I tried to figure out why this happened to me.  The answer came in the form of forgiveness.

I have to wonder what must have happened to my attacker to make him commit such a vicious crime?  I pray for him and hope that he has found truth.

I would be trapped if I continually was victimized by this situation.

I have been able to share my story with so many troubled teens (and adults).

We all just want to know that we are not alone in our struggle.

Honestly, I don’t know if I would even go back and change it if I could.  I am so grateful for the people that God has brought into my life because of it.

The bigger crime would be if I let it dominate and run my life–so I choose forgiveness.