Archive for Religion and Spirituality

Fairytale?

Posted in Life, Past, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 18, 2011 by Shea Atkin

I participated in a yoga workshop with my dear friend a few months ago.  We started out with yoga, followed by a guided meditation and ended with a journal entry focused on a certain thought.  Below, I will write the thought and my journal entry about the thought:

*Don’t believe the fairytale you have created through your body.*

At a loss for word is not usually where I find myself.  This can be taken in many different ways.  Right now, my fairytale is just that–a fairytale.  Unattainable, ficticious, Pollyanna bullshit.  I never try because I don’t really believe that it is possible.  That I don’t really deserve the fairytale…I’m not good enough to wear the pretty dress and win the heart of the adoring prince.  I’m the cinderella in this distance, just dreaming–but not accepting the fairytale as potential reality.  Left with scars and memories–a window to watch the world live as I stay confined in my own little prison that I made with my own hands.  Waiting for the key to unlock and be set free, but it is already in my hand. All that needs to happen is making the decision of freedom or slavery.  No one can choose it but me.

I wear the rags as a constant reminder of the resentment against self. The riches are there, but not available until the relentless torture of self is over.  Laziness encompasses all to the point where I would like the best, but I’ll settle for the worst–because it is easy.

Sinking into nausea to escape the self absorption.  Anything to take my mind off of self. The creature that holds my thoughts captive is a reflection of self that materializes so I can embrace and accept what lies beneath the surface.

Morbidity eminent and welcomed at times to take me away from the gift of the present. Escaping the surrender that serenity has freely offered. Choosing death over life, repeatedly.

Succumbing to the lie. Evolving farther away from the truth. Trying to embrace reality on life’s terms instead of my own agenda.

Resonating from within, the sound I have been searching for has been there all along.

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Experiencing Euphoria

Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 13, 2011 by Shea Atkin

Today has been one of the most monumental days of my life.

I woke up to the sound of my phone at 4:36 this morning, my client called me to say that she was in labor!  She has been a massage client of mine for years and I have worked on her through her entire pregnancy.  Today I was able to massage her through labor and delivery.  AMAZING.

Luckily, the little guy was born at 7:30 this morning and I didn’t have to cancel my clients today.  I’m exhausted, but on a natural high right now.

At 2:30 I went to meet with a therapist to collaborate in regards to my upcoming Trauma Touch Therapy™ workshop.  This will combine the somatic approach to physical and psychological effects due to Trauma.  We will be writing an article  for publication soon, so stay tuned!  My workshop is at the end of May, and I can’t tell you how incredibly excited I am to be able to implement this into my practice.

Going through my own personal trauma is the reason I am extremely passionate about this approach.  All of the hell that I went through, now completely makes sense and seems worth it.  I feel that God just created a specialty especially for me.  I know that sounds completely selfish, but I am amazed at the personal interest He takes in my life.  Everything that has happened has led up to me being able to be trusted with this opportunity.  I am  grateful and extremely humbled to be given such a special gift.

I know this blog is all over the place today, but I’m living off of espresso shots to get me through til my next client.  During this 30 minute break, I wanted to get it out there with the passion that I am feeling in this exact moment.  I don’t want to forget the euphoria that I feel right now with all of the life changing events that happened today.

I’m sure tonight I am going to crash like nobodies business, but right now I am on top of the world.  Living a life of purpose and passion is beyond explanation.  I’m so thankful that I get to participate this fully in life and recovery.

Grounded Angel

Posted in Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 4, 2011 by Shea Atkin

First off, I want to give a special shoutout to one of my best friends.  http://groundedangel.wordpress.com . Check out her blog, she is AMAZING and a constant source of inspiration for me.  This blog is dedicated to her.

I feel most grounded when I am in the dirt, or in the clouds.  Most of the time I don’t even realized how grounded I am NOT until I experience a renewal of grounding.

Lately I have been feeling kind of lost, because I have gotten away from the daily things that make me, ‘me’.  Being a creation of my Father, I have to be in tune with what His purpose for my life is.  Thankfully, I am not as hard on myself as I used to be.  I can’t tell you how many times I would beat myself up over trivial matters–and in turn, my whole day (or week) would be ruined.  Now, I can take it one day (or one minute) at a time and be perfectly fine with it.  It’s about progress rather than perfection.

Today I went to my friends garden to pull weeds, plant squash and water the produce.  I didn’t realize how much went into creating food until I became a part of the organic solution.  Afterwards, we went to a cute little French bistro and talked about life.  I had THE most amazing time with my friend.  When I came home and put my son down for his nap, I jumped online to catch up with groundedangel’s blog and felt so connected in the process.  I swear, God made this day especially for me.

I’m so grateful for the friends that have been put in my life.  I can’t imagine what life would be without the ones that keep me grounded.  I remember a time, not so long ago, when I felt isolated, alone and misunderstood.  All that changed was my perspective and the desire to not feel that way anymore.  It was time to let go of the old record that played nothing but negativity and say hello to a new way of life that took a little work and a lot of nurturing.  Sure, vulnerability was side effect, but LIFE was the outcome.  Today I live and love and breathe.  I don’t ever want to go back to the way I was before, but I will always remember it, to appreciate where I am today.

Groundedangel and all of my other loves, you are the reason I am who I am.  Keep on ‘being you’.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Peace and Love, ,my dear friends.

Guilt VS Conviction

Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , , on April 11, 2011 by Shea Atkin

I battle this constantly.  It’s the difference between moving forward and staying stagnant.  Guilt gets me nowhere.  Conviction, on the other hand, addresses a core issue and brings it to the surface the be recognized and dealt with.

Living in my head is where I get into trouble.  All of my character defects swim in circles, condemning and pointing fingers.  I’m truly my own worst enemy.  I have feelings of never being good enough and so on.  When I am able to pause when agitated and check my feeling with Scripture, I give it to God and let Him take control of the drivers seat.  I always default to doing life in my own strength.  Every day, I have to wake up and ask God to use me in spite of myself.  It’s so simple, but so very, very difficult.

Most of the time, when I am feeling out of control, I make pretty silly/stupid  decisions.  I’m acting out of the part of me that wants to stay stagnant, because it is easier and more comfortable.  True change requires hard work and determination to not stay in complacent misery.

Alone in my thoughts, I go crazy.  But there is one who can let me acknowledge them, and move on to a place of peace and serenity.  This is where I want  to be.  It’s not in my strength.  It’s in His.

Rat In A Cage

Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 7, 2011 by Shea Atkin

Today I can really relate to the Smashing Pumpkins lyric : “Despite all my rage , I am still just a rat in a cage.”.  I don’t necessarily have rage, but I do feel like sometimes I am just running and running without and end.  Cognitively, I know the steps to take for serenity to occur, but my fight or flight response gets so high that I default to the adrenaline rush fix.

A few minutes ago, I walked into the backyard with my bare feet to sit in the hammock for a few minutes and listen to the sounds of nature while being aware of my surroundings.  Automatically, I felt the desire to write about it, so I cut my meditation/prayer time short so I could come into Crystal’s room and type out what I was feeling.  I wish my computer was not stolen when we were robbed.  My blog time has severely been cut short.  Plus, it’s not often that I am the only one at my residence.

I love my job, my family and friends, my passion and drive.  However, I tend to prioritize inefficiently.  Sitting here in the silence, I am reminded that if I am not working on myself being whole–I will never be whole for anybody else.  So when I wake up in the morning, I have to do the things (especially the little things), to set the stage for the rest of my waking time.  These things are what keep me sane and restore my awareness of God and Creation.  Otherwise, I’m just running in circles like I used to.

I’m thankful for my natural gifts and I want to use them to the best of my ability.  I don’t want to just be a rat in a cage–especially the overwhelming anxiety that accompanies that feeling.  Today I will rest my mind and my body, and not worry about all of the things that need to get done.  I’ll shut off my phone for a designated time and concentrate on the things that are most important.  Most of the stuff I strive so hard for, I can’t take with me when I die anyway.  So why?

Today I will be aware and present.  Kind and compassionate.  Loving and thoughtful.  All things that do not come naturally to me, but are extremely rewarding and satisfying.  I’m headed back to my hammock now.

Words

Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , , , on January 26, 2011 by Shea Atkin

“Words kill, words give life;  they’re either poison or fruit–you choose”  Proverbs 18:21 (The Message)

How often this applies.  Every day we wake up with the choice to seize the day or retreat inside our personal dungeons of self.  The power of the tongue is stronger than almost any force in existence.  If our heart is not in the right place,irreparable damage can be done.

The importance of words (and knowledge of it) is vital for survival.  I have had numerous occasions where I was having a terrible day and somebody said something that brought me out of myself (and self-pity) and into focusing on others.  I have also had more than a few instances where the opposite has taken place, and I was left with a not so good feeling.

As I further examine my motivations– I realize that what comes out of me is exactly what I choose to put in.  Whether it be good or bad–it always comes out.  I find that when I look past my situations, miraculously the solution appears.  Getting out of “me mode” allows real and significant change.  The change that is always appreciated, even though the package may be presented as a big, impossible mess.  Later on, I realize that impossibly messy package was a huge blessing.  I heard the other day that “A blessing is anything that pushes, drags or claws it’s way in to make you a better person.”  I love this analogy because I generally think of blessings as warm fuzzies.  This description pertains to retrospect–and the only way to get it is to walk through it (sometimes kicking and screaming).  The point is–we will always come out the other side( in one way or another) truly changed from the inside out.

I look forward to the day that I do more good than harm to myself and anyone else.  It’s a slow process, but it teaches patience, perseverance and honesty.  I could go on and on about what I learn on a daily basis–but that will be saved for many more blogs to come.  I guess all of this ties in with the importance of words.  All I know right now is that I want to say a lot of positive and wonderful words to uplift others, and a lot less negative ones.  We are all in this together and I want to encourage instead of discourage.  The only way I can do this effectively is for my heart to be in the right place.  Otherwise, it will just come off as fake.

Beginning of the End

Posted in Life, Past, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 8, 2010 by Shea Atkin

Discovery when the time has come

To be present–even when forced

Conjuring creativity while channeling authenticity

Alive when recalling the past

Even though it was dead at the time

Or maybe it was just benign

Inclusion of the whole with an abstract approach

Sacrificing self to foster life

Increments of thorough fabrication, personified through experience–

Melded together to produce artistic expression

Hoping for acceptance

But the strength to withstand the opposite

Consistence of constant and conscious awareness–

While vulnerability seeps through

Selfless objectivity being the reward of a life lived in the light

Invited in as a welcomed guest

Appreciative for the gift of opportunity

Humbled by vanity

Longing for what was once rejected

Cyclical balance of compromising solitude

Reciprocation of energy from the very last of choices

Circling back to the origin of the beginning