Archive for survival

Constant Change

Posted in Life, Past, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 4, 2011 by Shea Atkin

If I look at the span of my 31 years, the only true constant has been change.  This is completely contradictory to my natural state.  I try to find normal, only to discover that most of the time it is synonymous with complacency.  There is a fine line between stagnant and serene. 

Through these past couple of months, life has been extremely unpredictable.  If growth comes ftom pain, I must be a giant.  What I have learned about pain most recently is that it exposes areas that I can improve in.  Not necessarily by overactivity, but by allowing the process to occur without interruption.  Just letting what is, to be.  While feeling that my world is falling apart, I have a peace that transcends my day to day “crazy”.  

My default behavior is to make myself really busy so I don’t have to think about what is really happening.  In turn, I become irritable.  To stop this cycle, I choose to stop what I am doing and just sit in silence while letting my thoughts go by without judgement.  Silence can be very uncomfortable.  It means I’m alone with myself.  Scary. But, the more I practice this, the less I fear. Confronting the fear, diminishes it.

Not knowing what the future holds scares the hell out of me.  I know I just have to trust that if I do what is in front of me (not referring to the past or trying to affect the future), everything will happen naturally, organically, as it should. Allowing life to happen on life’s terms.  Sounds great in theory.  Practice is a different story entirely.  I’m doing it though.  Every day. And every day I become more grateful to be allowed to live in the moment.

I’ll continue this journey into the unknown, sometimes kicking and screaming, and sometimes serene.  The longer I live, more is revealed.  And I feel more like myself with each passing day.

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No Words

Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 20, 2011 by Shea Atkin

 

Recently, I have found myself here quite often. 

 It’s that point to where I am at the end of myself .  You know, that place where you are sick of talking about doing and actually start ‘doing’. Whatever that means in your life.

The less I say, the more I listen.  Paradoxically, the more I listen, the more I will eventually have to say when the timing is right.  I have done a lot of observing lately.  I am starting to recognize the traits in others that annoy me are usually the exact issues that I struggle with. As soon as I take a step back (from myself), I can usually see where my thinking was distorted.

At this place of no words, I can finally admit to myself that I don’t have all the answers.  There was an illusion of comfort when I asserted control (perceived or real), but ultimately brought nothing but burnout and despair.  I want to not want all of the answers.  It’s exhausting.

This realization makes me very thankful for simple things.  The things I was too busy to pay attention to before.  But this doesn’t mean that everything is feeling good.  Actually, quite the reverse.  I feel more vulnerable and sensitive than ever.  It’s in doing the things that make me extremely uncomfortable that I stumble upon the faith to grow.  It’s being open to the opportunity that I find the lesson.  It’s tough and messy and feels totally wrong, but I have a tiny grain of peace that gets me to the next thing.

In times like these, when I feel no desire to write, it’s probably because life is just a little too real. I’m glad that I decided to push past my feelings of being uncomforable to do what I truly love.  I’m myself when I put pen to paper.  It’s just bringing me back to the present, one day at a time.

The Source

Posted in Life, Poetry, Present with tags , , , , , , on June 18, 2011 by Shea Atkin

 

Floating down the river

Letting the ships pass by

Aware of them–

But life, not contingent on their existence

 

Absorbing energy from the source

The only place that really matters

External instances mean little in comparison to the purpose

 

A constant flow washes over the soul

Allowing cleansing to sweep away the debris that accumulated

 

Symbolic manifestations of tangible occurences

Leading the way for an openness only made possible through pain

And the act of walking through it

Completely

 

Unsure of where this stream will lead

But trusting the source that allows me to stay above the water

 

Holding Space

Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 15, 2011 by Shea Atkin

Corporately we are wired for community.  As we walk through hell, the tendency to dissociate is high.  Most of us don’t want advice.  We want someone to be present in our grief.  To validate what we are going through.  We are hard-wired for connection, but when something traumatic happens, our intellect (and culture) tells us to stuff it and not deal with the pain.  Biologically speaking–if we are able to discharge the nervous system–the symptoms lose power.  We won’t be “stuck”.  The Animal Kingdom is a prime example.  They don’t have the cultural stigma attached to processing pain.  They just discharge instinctually.

As our anxiety increases, our functioning goes down.  Thus, affecting everyone as a whole.  It’s not just the individual that suffers, it’s everyone around the individual.  We are all connected.  If we could just allow the Reptilian (Instinctual) side of the brain do it’s job–a new sense of freedom will inevitably occur.  We will have the freedom to just “be”.  Along with freedom comes a price–the dropping of symptoms.  Some of us like to hold onto our old patterns, because we wear them as  a label–because it is comfortable.  The cost of freedom, is freedom itself.

Willingness is the key to any kind of change.  Until this occurs internally, transformation cannot occur.  With no judgement, and no expectation–we can “be” present with an individual and allow them the space to heal safely.  To give a voice to the silenced and alone–and to walk through this world, together as one.

Trauma Touch Therapy™

Posted in Life, Past, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 10, 2011 by Shea Atkin

DEFINITION:

Trauma Touch Therapy™ is an advanced therapeutic certification program for those already proficient in bodywork.  The program consists of 100 hours of training: Level I, 50 hours in integrative techniques and fundamentals, a Level II 50 hour Externship.  Many TTT™ students enroll in this training to come to a sense of completion with their own healing process; thus recycling their trauma, turning the disadvantage of their pasts into something of value.  TTT™ training is an intense healing process in itself, requiring students to deepen, within themselves, their sense of authenticity and integrity.

Trauma Touch Therapy™ is a bodywork modality designed to meet the needs of clients with trauma or abuse histories.  This innovative work enables the client to discover the gift within the wound.  Trauma Touch Therapists™ encourage client empowerment and choice, which aids the client in accessing their somatic issues in a safe, nuturing environment.  The work is done on a very individual basis and almost always interfaces with the psychotherapeutic process.  Client traumas include: physical abuse, mental/emotional abuse, sexual abuse, holocaust/post-war traumas, environmental traumas, surgery trauma, PTSD, auto accidents, physical injury and childhood traumas.

This program is approved and regulated by the Colorado School of Higher Education, Division of Private Occupational Schools.  Trauma Touch Therapy™ is owned and operated by the Colorado School of Healing Arts. Trauma Touch Therapy™ was developed under the direction of Chris Smith and is offered solely by the school.  All rights reserved.

Cumulative Integration

Posted in Life, Poetry, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 2, 2011 by Shea Atkin

This poem was written for my Trauma Touch Therapy classmates.  Words cannot really do justice to what we experienced–but this is about as close as I can get to sharing my soul.  TTT, 2011–this one is for you.

 

Sifting through sensations to find the root that was cut off by the mind

Corporately holding space until freedom decides to surface through choice

 

Alive for the first time since the death

The core breathing in the air of acceptance

Sensing the truth which was hidden by a lie

Loving as a verb–using the definition accurately

 

Forever joined by the experience of breaking free

United as a whole–wholly

Giving ourselves permission to live–for the intended purpose we were created

 

Coming home for the first time–

And will stay here for eternity

as ONE.

Fairytale?

Posted in Life, Past, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 18, 2011 by Shea Atkin

I participated in a yoga workshop with my dear friend a few months ago.  We started out with yoga, followed by a guided meditation and ended with a journal entry focused on a certain thought.  Below, I will write the thought and my journal entry about the thought:

*Don’t believe the fairytale you have created through your body.*

At a loss for word is not usually where I find myself.  This can be taken in many different ways.  Right now, my fairytale is just that–a fairytale.  Unattainable, ficticious, Pollyanna bullshit.  I never try because I don’t really believe that it is possible.  That I don’t really deserve the fairytale…I’m not good enough to wear the pretty dress and win the heart of the adoring prince.  I’m the cinderella in this distance, just dreaming–but not accepting the fairytale as potential reality.  Left with scars and memories–a window to watch the world live as I stay confined in my own little prison that I made with my own hands.  Waiting for the key to unlock and be set free, but it is already in my hand. All that needs to happen is making the decision of freedom or slavery.  No one can choose it but me.

I wear the rags as a constant reminder of the resentment against self. The riches are there, but not available until the relentless torture of self is over.  Laziness encompasses all to the point where I would like the best, but I’ll settle for the worst–because it is easy.

Sinking into nausea to escape the self absorption.  Anything to take my mind off of self. The creature that holds my thoughts captive is a reflection of self that materializes so I can embrace and accept what lies beneath the surface.

Morbidity eminent and welcomed at times to take me away from the gift of the present. Escaping the surrender that serenity has freely offered. Choosing death over life, repeatedly.

Succumbing to the lie. Evolving farther away from the truth. Trying to embrace reality on life’s terms instead of my own agenda.

Resonating from within, the sound I have been searching for has been there all along.