Archive for addiction

God’s Will?

Posted in Life, Past, Present with tags , , , , , , on November 15, 2012 by Shea Atkin

Many times it doesn’t look like I think it should.
It conflicts with my opinion of how things should be or how people should act.
But who am I to determine whether something is or isn’t God’s will?

Every morning I wake up and turn my will over to God. Since I’ve been doing this, things haven’t been pretty. It shows me how long I have been operating out of my own will. A lot of times, God’s will and my will collide. So I pray that he aligns my will with his. That is when balance and serenity arrive. Things don’t necessarily go my way, but I get to practice.

It’s elusive and always contingent on timing.
There is no formula.
What’s right for me might not be right for you.
We all have to experience our own powerlessness before we truly turn our will over to a Higher Power.

God’s will for your life or anybody elses? Who knows? I can barely figure it out for myself. So when I find myself judging others and thinking I know what’s best for their lives (or the world and everybody in it), that’s when I’m playing God. So I get to practice being aware that I did it–and then turn the perceived power I think I have over to the Creator of The Universe. I’m pretty sure he can handle it.

But…

When it comes to the little day to day decisions, how quickly I forget that. I make decisions based on opinion, mood or ego without pausing to check my motives or ask God what he wants me to do.

My days look different when I turn my will over. I often do things against my will and the outcome is better that I expected. A lot of times it is painful and I don’t want to do certain things. That’s when I remind myself that his grace is sufficient for whatever situation he brings me to.

It’s messy and I feel like I screw up more than I succeed, but it’s from an honest place.
Finally.
And I get the privilege of becoming more aware, as long as I am willing to be.

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As I Sit.

Posted in Life, Past, Poetry, Present with tags , , , , , on August 28, 2012 by Shea Atkin

The thoughts come
And they go
Aware of the judgment
To what I deem
Good
Or
Bad
And how often that delusion keeps me
From living authentically

Recognition of existence doesn’t mean it is new
It is acceptance of what is

I choose to sit with the uncomfortable
Simply being present poses it’s own challenges
How often I want to escape…
Just because.

Most of my life was spent escaping from perception

Created delusions to justify behavior

Manipulation of facts to continue believing the lie

The judgment I sit with
Is my own
And my worst critic
Is myself

That said–
I project less on you
When I’m honest about me

Denying reality
To appear better
Only
Makes
Us
Sicker

Truth will set us free.

Again.

Posted in Life, Past, Poetry, Present with tags , , , , , , , , on October 26, 2011 by Shea Atkin

 

Futile attempts of control, result in prolonging the inevitable

Sinking into the reflection of that fine line between hope and reality

Unable to let go, until I do

 

Similar instances surface, just waiting for me to finally learn the lesson

Repeating the cycle

Continuously

Wondering why the result stays the same

 

Necessity is a tricky concept

Leaving much room for interpretation–

But checked with the right motives, the answer is undeniable

 

Truth is only visible when we choose to see it

 

Learning how to ask the right questions is sometimes harder than hearing the answer

Resonating deep within, it comes from a peaceful place

Amidst the chaos

Trauma Touch Therapy™

Posted in Life, Past, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 10, 2011 by Shea Atkin

DEFINITION:

Trauma Touch Therapy™ is an advanced therapeutic certification program for those already proficient in bodywork.  The program consists of 100 hours of training: Level I, 50 hours in integrative techniques and fundamentals, a Level II 50 hour Externship.  Many TTT™ students enroll in this training to come to a sense of completion with their own healing process; thus recycling their trauma, turning the disadvantage of their pasts into something of value.  TTT™ training is an intense healing process in itself, requiring students to deepen, within themselves, their sense of authenticity and integrity.

Trauma Touch Therapy™ is a bodywork modality designed to meet the needs of clients with trauma or abuse histories.  This innovative work enables the client to discover the gift within the wound.  Trauma Touch Therapists™ encourage client empowerment and choice, which aids the client in accessing their somatic issues in a safe, nuturing environment.  The work is done on a very individual basis and almost always interfaces with the psychotherapeutic process.  Client traumas include: physical abuse, mental/emotional abuse, sexual abuse, holocaust/post-war traumas, environmental traumas, surgery trauma, PTSD, auto accidents, physical injury and childhood traumas.

This program is approved and regulated by the Colorado School of Higher Education, Division of Private Occupational Schools.  Trauma Touch Therapy™ is owned and operated by the Colorado School of Healing Arts. Trauma Touch Therapy™ was developed under the direction of Chris Smith and is offered solely by the school.  All rights reserved.

Rhetorical Domination

Posted in Life, Poetry, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 20, 2011 by Shea Atkin

Slipping through the cracks of myself

Hiding behind words that I have conjugated to fit into the persona I have created

Fooling myself and everyone around me–but the joke is on me

Seeking solace in the unknown

A vast canopy surrounds my shattered soul

Depending on restoration–while the process is unbearable

A selfless cry sheepishly lunges out for comfort

Finding myself in the place I thought I could never arrive through all of my attempts

Spontaneous glimpse of healing from the unlikeliest of sources

Slamming the door on what has kept me isolated–

As that door slowly opens back up–a flood of compassion enters into this grieving spirit

Revitalizing what was once something special

It’s not even a restoration at this point–it’s a brand new life

Ready to live instead of preparing for death

Happy to be a part of what I once thought was being stuck in the middle

Reaching out for a hand to hold

All that is required is a willingness to know that I will never have all the answers

Will lay my head on the pillow tonight knowing that control will never bring me peace.

One Day At A Time.

Posted in Life, Past, Present with tags , , , , , , , on January 11, 2011 by Shea Atkin

 

Reflection is an amazing attribute.  But, new days are even more magical.

Yesterday was tough but today I woke up with the determination and willingness to not dwell on it.  I have the support of friends and family to get me through myself.  Thinking back to the reactions that I used to have makes me cringe–but now I am able to use those memories to relate to others.  An honest approach is all we can hope for.  Fearless honesty is the only way to work it.

As I listen to people share their stories, I am reminded that I am far from being alone.  There is a fine line between solitude and isolation.  For the past month, I have been isolating even though many of people have surrounded me.  Nothing feels worse than being in a room full of people and feeling completely alone.  But today is a new day.  I  can’t change the past–I can only deal with the here and now.

I’m so grateful for the peace that I feel.  Not too long ago, I would fake it.  I was pretty good at putting on a front.  But in the end–the only person I was fooling was myself.  My life was like a chameleon.  Whatever I thought somebody would want me to be, is what I would fabricate.  It was completely exhausting, being everything to everyone.  Not that I did that great of a job at it–but I sure did it to keep up appearances.

I’ve had some hard blows recently.  Today, I choose to look at the picture as a whole and push forward regardless of how I feel.  Feelings are NOT facts.  As soon as that truly permeates my heart, clarity and acceptance appears.  I’m thankful I’m alive to live this day and I have no fear of what is to come.  I know that God will take care of me no matter what and I’m so thankful that I am His child.

Coping Methods

Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , on January 10, 2011 by Shea Atkin

 

Yesterday, a very important person in my life said– ” I need to go to Life Anonymous (L.A.)!”

I  proceeded to crack up.  Mostly because of the fact that it is so true!  Most of the time, recovery is looked at as weakness.  I have found that to be completely untrue.  The biggies like alcohol, drugs and sex are what are assumed as “problems”– but what about anger, resentment and fear?  These I have found to be equally debilitating.

Coping methods, for me, are established so I can avoid root problems.  If I quit one “behavior”, inevitably it will be replaced with something–if I subscribe to the theory that “energy is neither created nor destroyed”.  Addiction is addiction.  Pure and simple.  Recently I have found myself slipping back into patterns.  Not symptoms, but patterned negative behavior.  Not because I want to, it’s just an easy go-to.

If I don’t take care of what I innately know about myself–I start resenting people and situations.  Plus, I have the added anxiety of reacting instead of being proactive.  This always leads to disaster.  I believe that everything is a lesson and we learn from our experiences, but I also have the choice to use my knowledge of cause and effect.  It’s about honesty.  Being honest about who and I am what I am feeling–not what I should or could be feeling.  I have to deal with the present, and only then can change truly occur.

I had to sit down with myself today and ask some hard questions.  What I came up with is that I really need to look at life as a continuum.  Stop beating myself up about what I didn’t do, and just work on “the now”.  The anxiety immediately vanished.  The answer is simple, but not easy.  Switching one addiction for another will work for a while, but will not work in the long run.  I have to honestly ask myself what the base of the issue is.  Whether it is fear or insecurity—is it selfish or self-seeking?  Only then can I work on steps to alleviate the symptoms I encounter.