Archive for fear

Fairytale?

Posted in Life, Past, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 18, 2011 by Shea Atkin

I participated in a yoga workshop with my dear friend a few months ago.  We started out with yoga, followed by a guided meditation and ended with a journal entry focused on a certain thought.  Below, I will write the thought and my journal entry about the thought:

*Don’t believe the fairytale you have created through your body.*

At a loss for word is not usually where I find myself.  This can be taken in many different ways.  Right now, my fairytale is just that–a fairytale.  Unattainable, ficticious, Pollyanna bullshit.  I never try because I don’t really believe that it is possible.  That I don’t really deserve the fairytale…I’m not good enough to wear the pretty dress and win the heart of the adoring prince.  I’m the cinderella in this distance, just dreaming–but not accepting the fairytale as potential reality.  Left with scars and memories–a window to watch the world live as I stay confined in my own little prison that I made with my own hands.  Waiting for the key to unlock and be set free, but it is already in my hand. All that needs to happen is making the decision of freedom or slavery.  No one can choose it but me.

I wear the rags as a constant reminder of the resentment against self. The riches are there, but not available until the relentless torture of self is over.  Laziness encompasses all to the point where I would like the best, but I’ll settle for the worst–because it is easy.

Sinking into nausea to escape the self absorption.  Anything to take my mind off of self. The creature that holds my thoughts captive is a reflection of self that materializes so I can embrace and accept what lies beneath the surface.

Morbidity eminent and welcomed at times to take me away from the gift of the present. Escaping the surrender that serenity has freely offered. Choosing death over life, repeatedly.

Succumbing to the lie. Evolving farther away from the truth. Trying to embrace reality on life’s terms instead of my own agenda.

Resonating from within, the sound I have been searching for has been there all along.

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Prejudice

Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 28, 2011 by Shea Atkin

 

It’s not just about color.  What if we decided to just banish preconceived notions altogether?

 

PREJUDICE–

1.  An unfavorable opinion or feeling formed beforehand or without knowledge, thought or reason.

2. Any preconceived opinion or feeling, either favorable or unfavorable.

3. Unreasonable feelings, opinions or attitudes, especially of a hostile nature, regarding a racial, religious or national group.

4.  Damage or injury; detriment

http://www.dictionary.com

As I read these definitions, I think about how many times I have been guilty of it.  This hits home on a variety of levels.  I think of all the times I have prejudged an instance before it even took place–most of the time resulting in a one-sided approach on my part (because I have already decided the outcome).  Whether good or bad, this means that I was not currently living in the present.  It means that I already had judgement.

How different it would be if I arrived with an open mind.

Learning to see past my pre-judgements, if truly embraced, changes the course of my life.

Instead of assuming, I would listen for commonalities.

I would be able to love with no strings attached.

I would wake up each day without fear of what lies ahead.

We would all be able to share in the fact that we are, in fact, all in the human race–TOGETHER.

My adversaries would become my partners.

There would be no war.

 

Utopia?  Perhaps.  But I don’t think it’s too far fetched if we just allowed understanding and decency into our worlds.

I’m not naive to our current condition.  However, this concept is needed more now than ever.  If we continue to live in ‘life bubbles’, the world around us crumbles and we remain isolated and destruction takes place without knowledge.  It takes hard work and pushing our own buttons (and ego) to purge the inactivity.  Most of the time, we aren’t even aware that we possess a certain prejudice.  It surfaces when least expected and then is pushed back down because of shame or unwillingness to address it.

I choose to start each day with the willingness to admit if I’m wrong.  This doesn’t mean I become a doormat, it means that the weight of the world on my shoulders, lifts.  If I am upset about something (or someone), I pull out a notebook and start writing what area of my life this affects.  From there I can trace it back to the root.  I write out a gratitude list when I’m not feeling particularly grateful for anything.  These steps get me out of myself and into service for others, and in turn, shifts my perspective.

Adhering to the way I always did things is just pure insanity.  If I want change, guess what?  I have to initiate it.  No one can do it for me.  I have to accept the responsibility, follow through, and persevere.  Thank God I’m not in it alone.  There is no way I could do it by myself.  It takes a village and thankfully I’ve got some pretty amazing neighbors in mine.

I pray peace, understanding and willingness to the reader.  I’m in the same boat.  We all are.  Let’s make it a better and richer existence by listening, accepting and loving.

 

 

 

 

The Unknown

Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , , on January 27, 2011 by Shea Atkin

 

It’s scary.  Seriously.

Over the past couple of months, our family has been faced with some big choices.  Like the fact that we have to be out of our home in 30 day and we have no idea where we are going to live.  It has become a huge catch 22, but there is the hope and peace that is inside me that transcends my actual situation.  As I look back on past dilemmas that I thought were impossible, it all seemed to play out regardless of my feelings about it.  We are still trying to recover from the 3 months I was out of work with a broken arm–and I know we will get through this trial as well (as we always do).  But, sometimes I just get so tired of life.  Not suicidal–I just wish I could press the pause button for a while.

I know tomorrow is a new day and for that I am thankful.  Every day that comes is a welcomed break from the one before.  It’s one day closer to an answer.  Each problem that arises gives me opportunity to face it a different way than I previously did.  Allowing the phrase “Easy Does It” to resonate and permeate into every fiber of my being.  Looking at this conceptually gives me the objectivity to just ‘be’.

As I watched Ollie (my 2 year old) play with his puzzle the other day, I had an “Ah Ha!” moment.  He was so frustrated trying to get Mickey in the puzzle slot.  He started banging the puzzle, turned red and started crying because the puzzle piece just wasn’t fitting the way he was attempting.  I calmly explained to him that Mickey would fit, just calm down and it would go in the hole perfectly.  As he listened to my instruction, amazingly enough, Mickey returned to his puzzle home.  I tend to attack life with the same determination that Ollie tried to make that piece fit.  All of my frustration and crying sometimes exaggerates the current condition.  If I just pause, breathe and relax, most of the time stuff just has a way of working out.

I’m hoping for clarity soon, but even if I don’t get it–that’s ok.  I know my Higher Power is watching out for me and will take care my family in a way that I cannot.  I have to trust that the right thing will come at just the right time.  If I rush into something prematurely, I could miss something really wonderful because I was to impatient to wait.  Looking forward to blogging about the outcome, whatever that may be.

 

Jealousy

Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 29, 2010 by Shea Atkin

” A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.” ~Robert A. Heinlein

“In jealousy there is more self-love than love.”  ~François, Duc de La RochefoucauldMaxims, 1665

“Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.”  ~Josh Billings

“Envy is the most stupid of vices, for there is no single advantage to be gained from it.”  ~Honore de Balzac

Definition of Jealousy:

1. Jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another’s success or advantage itself..
2. Mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry,unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.
3. Vigilance in maintaining or guarding something. ——- Dictionary.com
I’m guilty of it.  How bout you?
I find that when I feel that green dragon beast well up inside me, it has less to do with the person it is aimed at and more about the lack of security within myself.  It’s in the moments where I feel like I am cosmically owed something.  As if the Universe or God or whatever has slighted me…  Has forgotten about me….What else I could have done to make myself worthy of what I am envious of.  These are not the right thoughts to go to, but I am also human and probably a pretty naturally easy emotion to default to if I’m not spiritually in check.
Most of the time I don’t realize it until it has already had an affect.  By nature, I’m not necessarily what would be described as a “jealous person”, but I still have my moments.  Like, if someone possesses something that I wish I had by now.  Or if there is a certain quality that I admire in an individual.  Respect slowly turns to jealousy and the admiration sours to bitterness in a split second.  I’m learning to catch it quickly now so I can label the resentment and move on, but earlier–it would fester and I would feel a certain entitlement to be bitter about what I did not have.  Not cool.  Not cool at all!
The people that I look up to and admire have had their long, hard road and are benefitting from their past pain and living in the moment .  THAT is admirable.  They have had their share of heartache and don’t sit around, wallowing in self loathing and bitterness.  They picked themselves up and kept on walking.  They didn’t stay stagnant.  They persevered.  They didn’t take “no” for an answer.  They didn’t continue to live in the past.  And they definitely would not want anyone to be jealous of them!  Now, there are such unfortunate cases that have acquired a substantial amount of material possessions through wealth (and flaunt it shamelessly), but that is not the point of what I am writing about.   I am reminded of a verse in Proverbs 16:5  which states: “God can’t stomach arrogance or pretense; believe me, he’ll put those upstarts in their place.”
So, I guess what I am getting at is the root of jealousy is insecurity.  The only person that can choose to deal with the insecurity is me.  I must be the one to want to change.  It’s not everyone else that needs to change.  It’s me.  If I think that everyone else is the problem–chances are, I am the one with the problem!  I’ve seen it quite a bit in others recently and observed the detriment that comes along with the baggage.  It’s a terrible emotion to possess, but with any sort of pain, this can be good.  Pain exists to show that there is a problem.  If there were no inflammation (pain), I wouldn’t know that there was an issue.  So for the pain, I am thankful.  It shows me how to move forward and be happy for those around me who have already gone through this season of life.  I learn from them on a daily basis, and instead of being jealous of what they have–I am honored to be able to learn from their past mistakes and their present good fortune.

Being Healthy and Wanting to Be Healthy are two different things.

Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , , , on December 29, 2010 by Shea Atkin

Right?

I mean, seriously.  If I were to put into practice the knowledge that is in my head about health, nutrition and fitness–I would be a size 2.  But obviously that is not the case.  So where is the disconnect?

I have had weight/body image issues for as long as I can remember.  In high school I went through a spurt of anorexia, but was short lived because I passed out while I was driving.  That was enough to scare me back into eating again.  Over the years, I have pondered psychological explanations, spiritual, emotional and so on.  But none of them ever seemed to actually stick.  I have tried numerous diets, extreme workout routines–you name it, I’ve tried it.

I know that the amount of calories I put into my body adds weight.  Anybody can tell you that.  I also know that you have to work off more calories than you take in to burn fat.  Got it.  The real issue lies in the will to do it.  I look at pictures of myself and I know that I don’t want to look like this, but when will it be enough to actually stick with a regimen?  I’m thriving in other areas of my life, and I’m quite proud of the progress–yet I look at my outside self and it is definitely not an accurate representation of what is going on inside.  I’m ready for them to match.

I’m not looking for advice or affirmations.  I’m looking for the strength to stick with what I know is my next step in the journey of life.  I want to be able to run and play with my kid with no inhibitions.  I want to go to the beach and not worry about what I look like in a bathing suit.  I want to walk confidently into any room and not wonder if someone is talking about how big I am.  I want to be the real me, that I was created to be.  Is that too much to ask for?  I think not.  This extra baby weight that I have been carrying around for 2 years feels like armor.  It’s like a big shell that is ready to shed.  I really hope that this year, I can get rid of it (and the root of it) for good.

Our Deepest Fear

Posted in Past with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 23, 2010 by Shea Atkin

“As I journey into the unknown realm of my 30’s in a few days–many changes are taking place. Partly because of the inevitable evolution that is life, and partly because of my desire to stay as far away from complacency as possible. Over the past month, I have made some choices to utilize parts of me/mind/body/spirit that have been stagnant for quite some time. Over the days that pass I’m starting to recognize extremely positive results in quality of life through relationships, business and interactions in general.

I have loved the following quote for many reasons. But most of all–It gets me out of my insecurity and into the mindset of channeling positivity for the greater good. It’s not about “me”–it’s about others. So the way I read this now is : It is my duty to work on myself because the life of others truly depends on it. We are all created as such individuals–and only we have the capability of doing things that only we were created to do.” -Shea- August 2010

OUR DEEPEST FEAR

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson