Archive for future

Constant Change

Posted in Life, Past, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 4, 2011 by Shea Atkin

If I look at the span of my 31 years, the only true constant has been change.  This is completely contradictory to my natural state.  I try to find normal, only to discover that most of the time it is synonymous with complacency.  There is a fine line between stagnant and serene. 

Through these past couple of months, life has been extremely unpredictable.  If growth comes ftom pain, I must be a giant.  What I have learned about pain most recently is that it exposes areas that I can improve in.  Not necessarily by overactivity, but by allowing the process to occur without interruption.  Just letting what is, to be.  While feeling that my world is falling apart, I have a peace that transcends my day to day “crazy”.  

My default behavior is to make myself really busy so I don’t have to think about what is really happening.  In turn, I become irritable.  To stop this cycle, I choose to stop what I am doing and just sit in silence while letting my thoughts go by without judgement.  Silence can be very uncomfortable.  It means I’m alone with myself.  Scary. But, the more I practice this, the less I fear. Confronting the fear, diminishes it.

Not knowing what the future holds scares the hell out of me.  I know I just have to trust that if I do what is in front of me (not referring to the past or trying to affect the future), everything will happen naturally, organically, as it should. Allowing life to happen on life’s terms.  Sounds great in theory.  Practice is a different story entirely.  I’m doing it though.  Every day. And every day I become more grateful to be allowed to live in the moment.

I’ll continue this journey into the unknown, sometimes kicking and screaming, and sometimes serene.  The longer I live, more is revealed.  And I feel more like myself with each passing day.

The Source

Posted in Life, Poetry, Present with tags , , , , , , on June 18, 2011 by Shea Atkin

 

Floating down the river

Letting the ships pass by

Aware of them–

But life, not contingent on their existence

 

Absorbing energy from the source

The only place that really matters

External instances mean little in comparison to the purpose

 

A constant flow washes over the soul

Allowing cleansing to sweep away the debris that accumulated

 

Symbolic manifestations of tangible occurences

Leading the way for an openness only made possible through pain

And the act of walking through it

Completely

 

Unsure of where this stream will lead

But trusting the source that allows me to stay above the water

 

Fairytale?

Posted in Life, Past, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 18, 2011 by Shea Atkin

I participated in a yoga workshop with my dear friend a few months ago.  We started out with yoga, followed by a guided meditation and ended with a journal entry focused on a certain thought.  Below, I will write the thought and my journal entry about the thought:

*Don’t believe the fairytale you have created through your body.*

At a loss for word is not usually where I find myself.  This can be taken in many different ways.  Right now, my fairytale is just that–a fairytale.  Unattainable, ficticious, Pollyanna bullshit.  I never try because I don’t really believe that it is possible.  That I don’t really deserve the fairytale…I’m not good enough to wear the pretty dress and win the heart of the adoring prince.  I’m the cinderella in this distance, just dreaming–but not accepting the fairytale as potential reality.  Left with scars and memories–a window to watch the world live as I stay confined in my own little prison that I made with my own hands.  Waiting for the key to unlock and be set free, but it is already in my hand. All that needs to happen is making the decision of freedom or slavery.  No one can choose it but me.

I wear the rags as a constant reminder of the resentment against self. The riches are there, but not available until the relentless torture of self is over.  Laziness encompasses all to the point where I would like the best, but I’ll settle for the worst–because it is easy.

Sinking into nausea to escape the self absorption.  Anything to take my mind off of self. The creature that holds my thoughts captive is a reflection of self that materializes so I can embrace and accept what lies beneath the surface.

Morbidity eminent and welcomed at times to take me away from the gift of the present. Escaping the surrender that serenity has freely offered. Choosing death over life, repeatedly.

Succumbing to the lie. Evolving farther away from the truth. Trying to embrace reality on life’s terms instead of my own agenda.

Resonating from within, the sound I have been searching for has been there all along.

Moving

Posted in Present with tags , , , , , , , on February 23, 2011 by Shea Atkin

We are moving in 2 days.  Moving has always created anxiety for me.  In the past 7 years, Matt and I have never stayed in the same residence for more than a year.  And here we go again.  This time, I am thoroughly feeling it.  I’m tired of having to go through the same routine, but at the same time, thankful that things are finally starting to fall into place–slowly.

Mostly all of my stuff is in boxes.  I am looking for things to no avail.  So I decided to sit down and blog about it instead of going crazy in my head.  Over the past year in our current apartment, we have gone through some major changes.  I very much look forward to starting over (again), but I appreciate the times that we have spent here.  I know that moving isn’t going to change everything, but it will lend the opportunity to make positive changes.  Ollie can’t wait to play in the “big yard”.  It’s the little things that I am excited about.  Like the fact that we can finally have a grill again.  And I can sit outside in a hammock with beautiful trees to shade from the hot sun.  We can get a slip-n-slide for the ridiculously excruciating summer months instead of being cooped up in a top floor apartment.  We will have wood floors and a big tile kitchen that Matt finally gets to decorate in London theme.  We will have Crystal living with us to hang out with Ollie.  The list could go on forever.

I go into this new move with much gratitude.  The first time I walked onto the premises, I felt healing.  This will be a healing home.  I don’t know what that means exactly, but I know that it will be a safe place to just ‘be’.

Moving means a lot of different things, but this time it will be on purpose.  It’s time to say goodbye to certain aspects of the past and move forward with a positive direction.  This year is going to be special and unique.

Instead of stressing about where my toenail clippers are, I will just take a deep breath and know that everything will fall into place eventually.  I’d rather enjoy the last couple of days here rather than fight it.  I’m so tired of fighting.

Prejudice

Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 28, 2011 by Shea Atkin

 

It’s not just about color.  What if we decided to just banish preconceived notions altogether?

 

PREJUDICE–

1.  An unfavorable opinion or feeling formed beforehand or without knowledge, thought or reason.

2. Any preconceived opinion or feeling, either favorable or unfavorable.

3. Unreasonable feelings, opinions or attitudes, especially of a hostile nature, regarding a racial, religious or national group.

4.  Damage or injury; detriment

http://www.dictionary.com

As I read these definitions, I think about how many times I have been guilty of it.  This hits home on a variety of levels.  I think of all the times I have prejudged an instance before it even took place–most of the time resulting in a one-sided approach on my part (because I have already decided the outcome).  Whether good or bad, this means that I was not currently living in the present.  It means that I already had judgement.

How different it would be if I arrived with an open mind.

Learning to see past my pre-judgements, if truly embraced, changes the course of my life.

Instead of assuming, I would listen for commonalities.

I would be able to love with no strings attached.

I would wake up each day without fear of what lies ahead.

We would all be able to share in the fact that we are, in fact, all in the human race–TOGETHER.

My adversaries would become my partners.

There would be no war.

 

Utopia?  Perhaps.  But I don’t think it’s too far fetched if we just allowed understanding and decency into our worlds.

I’m not naive to our current condition.  However, this concept is needed more now than ever.  If we continue to live in ‘life bubbles’, the world around us crumbles and we remain isolated and destruction takes place without knowledge.  It takes hard work and pushing our own buttons (and ego) to purge the inactivity.  Most of the time, we aren’t even aware that we possess a certain prejudice.  It surfaces when least expected and then is pushed back down because of shame or unwillingness to address it.

I choose to start each day with the willingness to admit if I’m wrong.  This doesn’t mean I become a doormat, it means that the weight of the world on my shoulders, lifts.  If I am upset about something (or someone), I pull out a notebook and start writing what area of my life this affects.  From there I can trace it back to the root.  I write out a gratitude list when I’m not feeling particularly grateful for anything.  These steps get me out of myself and into service for others, and in turn, shifts my perspective.

Adhering to the way I always did things is just pure insanity.  If I want change, guess what?  I have to initiate it.  No one can do it for me.  I have to accept the responsibility, follow through, and persevere.  Thank God I’m not in it alone.  There is no way I could do it by myself.  It takes a village and thankfully I’ve got some pretty amazing neighbors in mine.

I pray peace, understanding and willingness to the reader.  I’m in the same boat.  We all are.  Let’s make it a better and richer existence by listening, accepting and loving.

 

 

 

 

The Unknown

Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , , on January 27, 2011 by Shea Atkin

 

It’s scary.  Seriously.

Over the past couple of months, our family has been faced with some big choices.  Like the fact that we have to be out of our home in 30 day and we have no idea where we are going to live.  It has become a huge catch 22, but there is the hope and peace that is inside me that transcends my actual situation.  As I look back on past dilemmas that I thought were impossible, it all seemed to play out regardless of my feelings about it.  We are still trying to recover from the 3 months I was out of work with a broken arm–and I know we will get through this trial as well (as we always do).  But, sometimes I just get so tired of life.  Not suicidal–I just wish I could press the pause button for a while.

I know tomorrow is a new day and for that I am thankful.  Every day that comes is a welcomed break from the one before.  It’s one day closer to an answer.  Each problem that arises gives me opportunity to face it a different way than I previously did.  Allowing the phrase “Easy Does It” to resonate and permeate into every fiber of my being.  Looking at this conceptually gives me the objectivity to just ‘be’.

As I watched Ollie (my 2 year old) play with his puzzle the other day, I had an “Ah Ha!” moment.  He was so frustrated trying to get Mickey in the puzzle slot.  He started banging the puzzle, turned red and started crying because the puzzle piece just wasn’t fitting the way he was attempting.  I calmly explained to him that Mickey would fit, just calm down and it would go in the hole perfectly.  As he listened to my instruction, amazingly enough, Mickey returned to his puzzle home.  I tend to attack life with the same determination that Ollie tried to make that piece fit.  All of my frustration and crying sometimes exaggerates the current condition.  If I just pause, breathe and relax, most of the time stuff just has a way of working out.

I’m hoping for clarity soon, but even if I don’t get it–that’s ok.  I know my Higher Power is watching out for me and will take care my family in a way that I cannot.  I have to trust that the right thing will come at just the right time.  If I rush into something prematurely, I could miss something really wonderful because I was to impatient to wait.  Looking forward to blogging about the outcome, whatever that may be.

 

Being Healthy and Wanting to Be Healthy are two different things.

Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , , , on December 29, 2010 by Shea Atkin

Right?

I mean, seriously.  If I were to put into practice the knowledge that is in my head about health, nutrition and fitness–I would be a size 2.  But obviously that is not the case.  So where is the disconnect?

I have had weight/body image issues for as long as I can remember.  In high school I went through a spurt of anorexia, but was short lived because I passed out while I was driving.  That was enough to scare me back into eating again.  Over the years, I have pondered psychological explanations, spiritual, emotional and so on.  But none of them ever seemed to actually stick.  I have tried numerous diets, extreme workout routines–you name it, I’ve tried it.

I know that the amount of calories I put into my body adds weight.  Anybody can tell you that.  I also know that you have to work off more calories than you take in to burn fat.  Got it.  The real issue lies in the will to do it.  I look at pictures of myself and I know that I don’t want to look like this, but when will it be enough to actually stick with a regimen?  I’m thriving in other areas of my life, and I’m quite proud of the progress–yet I look at my outside self and it is definitely not an accurate representation of what is going on inside.  I’m ready for them to match.

I’m not looking for advice or affirmations.  I’m looking for the strength to stick with what I know is my next step in the journey of life.  I want to be able to run and play with my kid with no inhibitions.  I want to go to the beach and not worry about what I look like in a bathing suit.  I want to walk confidently into any room and not wonder if someone is talking about how big I am.  I want to be the real me, that I was created to be.  Is that too much to ask for?  I think not.  This extra baby weight that I have been carrying around for 2 years feels like armor.  It’s like a big shell that is ready to shed.  I really hope that this year, I can get rid of it (and the root of it) for good.