Archive for forgiveness

Fairytale?

Posted in Life, Past, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 18, 2011 by Shea Atkin

I participated in a yoga workshop with my dear friend a few months ago.  We started out with yoga, followed by a guided meditation and ended with a journal entry focused on a certain thought.  Below, I will write the thought and my journal entry about the thought:

*Don’t believe the fairytale you have created through your body.*

At a loss for word is not usually where I find myself.  This can be taken in many different ways.  Right now, my fairytale is just that–a fairytale.  Unattainable, ficticious, Pollyanna bullshit.  I never try because I don’t really believe that it is possible.  That I don’t really deserve the fairytale…I’m not good enough to wear the pretty dress and win the heart of the adoring prince.  I’m the cinderella in this distance, just dreaming–but not accepting the fairytale as potential reality.  Left with scars and memories–a window to watch the world live as I stay confined in my own little prison that I made with my own hands.  Waiting for the key to unlock and be set free, but it is already in my hand. All that needs to happen is making the decision of freedom or slavery.  No one can choose it but me.

I wear the rags as a constant reminder of the resentment against self. The riches are there, but not available until the relentless torture of self is over.  Laziness encompasses all to the point where I would like the best, but I’ll settle for the worst–because it is easy.

Sinking into nausea to escape the self absorption.  Anything to take my mind off of self. The creature that holds my thoughts captive is a reflection of self that materializes so I can embrace and accept what lies beneath the surface.

Morbidity eminent and welcomed at times to take me away from the gift of the present. Escaping the surrender that serenity has freely offered. Choosing death over life, repeatedly.

Succumbing to the lie. Evolving farther away from the truth. Trying to embrace reality on life’s terms instead of my own agenda.

Resonating from within, the sound I have been searching for has been there all along.

Guilt VS Conviction

Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , , on April 11, 2011 by Shea Atkin

I battle this constantly.  It’s the difference between moving forward and staying stagnant.  Guilt gets me nowhere.  Conviction, on the other hand, addresses a core issue and brings it to the surface the be recognized and dealt with.

Living in my head is where I get into trouble.  All of my character defects swim in circles, condemning and pointing fingers.  I’m truly my own worst enemy.  I have feelings of never being good enough and so on.  When I am able to pause when agitated and check my feeling with Scripture, I give it to God and let Him take control of the drivers seat.  I always default to doing life in my own strength.  Every day, I have to wake up and ask God to use me in spite of myself.  It’s so simple, but so very, very difficult.

Most of the time, when I am feeling out of control, I make pretty silly/stupid  decisions.  I’m acting out of the part of me that wants to stay stagnant, because it is easier and more comfortable.  True change requires hard work and determination to not stay in complacent misery.

Alone in my thoughts, I go crazy.  But there is one who can let me acknowledge them, and move on to a place of peace and serenity.  This is where I want  to be.  It’s not in my strength.  It’s in His.

Prejudice

Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 28, 2011 by Shea Atkin

 

It’s not just about color.  What if we decided to just banish preconceived notions altogether?

 

PREJUDICE–

1.  An unfavorable opinion or feeling formed beforehand or without knowledge, thought or reason.

2. Any preconceived opinion or feeling, either favorable or unfavorable.

3. Unreasonable feelings, opinions or attitudes, especially of a hostile nature, regarding a racial, religious or national group.

4.  Damage or injury; detriment

http://www.dictionary.com

As I read these definitions, I think about how many times I have been guilty of it.  This hits home on a variety of levels.  I think of all the times I have prejudged an instance before it even took place–most of the time resulting in a one-sided approach on my part (because I have already decided the outcome).  Whether good or bad, this means that I was not currently living in the present.  It means that I already had judgement.

How different it would be if I arrived with an open mind.

Learning to see past my pre-judgements, if truly embraced, changes the course of my life.

Instead of assuming, I would listen for commonalities.

I would be able to love with no strings attached.

I would wake up each day without fear of what lies ahead.

We would all be able to share in the fact that we are, in fact, all in the human race–TOGETHER.

My adversaries would become my partners.

There would be no war.

 

Utopia?  Perhaps.  But I don’t think it’s too far fetched if we just allowed understanding and decency into our worlds.

I’m not naive to our current condition.  However, this concept is needed more now than ever.  If we continue to live in ‘life bubbles’, the world around us crumbles and we remain isolated and destruction takes place without knowledge.  It takes hard work and pushing our own buttons (and ego) to purge the inactivity.  Most of the time, we aren’t even aware that we possess a certain prejudice.  It surfaces when least expected and then is pushed back down because of shame or unwillingness to address it.

I choose to start each day with the willingness to admit if I’m wrong.  This doesn’t mean I become a doormat, it means that the weight of the world on my shoulders, lifts.  If I am upset about something (or someone), I pull out a notebook and start writing what area of my life this affects.  From there I can trace it back to the root.  I write out a gratitude list when I’m not feeling particularly grateful for anything.  These steps get me out of myself and into service for others, and in turn, shifts my perspective.

Adhering to the way I always did things is just pure insanity.  If I want change, guess what?  I have to initiate it.  No one can do it for me.  I have to accept the responsibility, follow through, and persevere.  Thank God I’m not in it alone.  There is no way I could do it by myself.  It takes a village and thankfully I’ve got some pretty amazing neighbors in mine.

I pray peace, understanding and willingness to the reader.  I’m in the same boat.  We all are.  Let’s make it a better and richer existence by listening, accepting and loving.

 

 

 

 

Blunt Metamorphosis

Posted in Life, Poetry, Present with tags , , , , on January 1, 2011 by Shea Atkin

Timing being essential for change

The correlation of acceptance and boundaries intertwine to produce and interdependence that is effective

The processing seeming intense

But the outcome is Freedom

I remain intrigued by the place that held the secrets

Wondering why the mystery was so enticing

Realizing that the full circle concept is in perpetual motion without the option of reprieve

Influenced only by what I choose to see

But being open to blind spots

Satisfied only by the peace that transcends my knowledge

Recognizable by what has been forming while introspection seemed frivolous

Beauty from Ashes

Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 26, 2010 by Shea Atkin

Entertaining the notion of trust–

I step out into the unknown to find the freedom that was hidden by my own will

Understanding the simplicity of faith in love

Gives me the permission to let go of preconceived assumptions–

And live as though it is my first day of this planet

My spirit knows otherwise

It has been around for quite sometime

My body is trying to catch on

Muscle memory is there

I just have to choose to allow the change

My soul is the organizer that ties all of the essential elements together

Without it, I would accomplish nothing

It keeps me interested far beyond human comprehension

And creates something beautiful from absolutely nothing

Breathing in, I find contentment in the pause

Thankful for the fact that I can

I concentrate on this day–

And only this day

Tomorrow is a whole other story

Letting go, I find the capacity to dream bigger

Along with the possibility to do so

Imagining the courage it takes to affect change

To be the change

To want to be the change

Digging down deep for the hidden potential that needs a little irritation to show itself

It lies dormant until pushed in just the right way

Subconscious categories form to create a complex agenda

Though only possible when the time is right

Trust in the process

Whatever that may be

Happy that I am here

With you

Untitled

Posted in Life, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2010 by Shea Atkin

Taking myself out of the equation grants permission to exude compassion

 

Remnants of granules taken off the shelf to encourage healing

Philosophical debates softened by a wounded , yet educated heart

Piecing together the reason through surrender,

I cling to the knowledge that was derived from the experienced

 

Not tangled up in opinion

Submitting to the power that is greater than my feelings

Uninhibited by relative pursuers, I can be me

Recoiling from the torture that was at one time a daily occurence

 

Synonymous with elation–

But balanced with a steady wisdom from a trusted source

The gift of simplicity is gently restored

 

Flashback to the slavery of self

Conceptualization of insanity

 

Being fragile isn’t such a bad thing–

When I allow a shift in perspective

Shallow just means it is finally coming to the surface…

 

I allow my foundation to change slowly–

And without force–

To produce a faith that is not easily swayed by negativity

 

Collections of truth to diminish fear–

Yet only possible through active participation

I sway back towards the darkness to convince myself of why I chose another road

It creates an instant reminder of the root of my decision

 

Regaining strength from the process of perceived failure

Thankful for the permission to make mistakes.

Beginning of the End

Posted in Life, Past, Present with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 8, 2010 by Shea Atkin

Discovery when the time has come

To be present–even when forced

Conjuring creativity while channeling authenticity

Alive when recalling the past

Even though it was dead at the time

Or maybe it was just benign

Inclusion of the whole with an abstract approach

Sacrificing self to foster life

Increments of thorough fabrication, personified through experience–

Melded together to produce artistic expression

Hoping for acceptance

But the strength to withstand the opposite

Consistence of constant and conscious awareness–

While vulnerability seeps through

Selfless objectivity being the reward of a life lived in the light

Invited in as a welcomed guest

Appreciative for the gift of opportunity

Humbled by vanity

Longing for what was once rejected

Cyclical balance of compromising solitude

Reciprocation of energy from the very last of choices

Circling back to the origin of the beginning