Archive for Christianity

Breaking Free

Posted in Past with tags , , , , , , , on November 1, 2010 by Shea Atkin

You know, I wrote this poem a decade ago.

If I remember correctly, it was written about a relationship I was in–

But it closely parallels to the relationship I had with my Creator at that time period.

Funny how it’s a daily (sometimes minute to minute) surrender of self.

I will never “arrive”.  It’s more importantly about the journey towards wholeness.

Even though the circumstances have drastically changed, the behavior patterns default to the same–

Until I decide to turn my will over to the God who created me, and knows me better than I know myself.

I needed a bigger God, so I finally let Him be.

He always Was and Is–It was me who put Him in a box.

 

Sitting here in the silence,

I listen to my own chaos.

Seems so overwhelming

That the presence of the external world is peaceful

But my insides rage.

Thoughts of what could be,

What might be–

Plagues me to the bone.

You fill me with expectations of what I should be

But all I give you in return is a nasty look and a slammed door in the face.

Leaving you to take that however you wish–

And waiting for nothing in particular in return.

I should be,

I could be,

But why am I not?

Help me if you wish–

But do not expect anything in return.

A kind gesture has no strings attached

But you bolt on chains trying your hardest not to let me escape.

Somehow along the way, I broke free from the curse

Ironic how you thought it was already broken

What you did not realize–

It was you I needed a break from”  -Shea 2001

Forgiveness

Posted in Past with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 8, 2010 by Shea Atkin

Rape

Nov 15, 2002

“Raped my body

Mutilated my soul.

I fear not what you have done to me

But what I have done since you left

I am no longer scared of what I feared the most

It has already been done–

And only the invisible scars remain

Hollow feelings and vacant expressions are all I can offer

Who am I really?

22 years old and just now remembering my 16th year.

Proof is only visible when you choose to see it

Vicious flashbacks of a monster

Reminds me of why I was always scared of them

Torn clothes and flesh

Left only for me to retrieve in due time

Ripped emotions out of my body

Restored only with one hand on my stomach

I find myself in a peaceful place

Happy to be out of the Hell that I once was in

The comfort of not knowing would have been my ultimate demise

Sanity resides when denial is destroyed

Forgiving but not forgetting is my goal

Who can ever be free of pain?

We are all called to merely help those along the way

Our reward is ourselves being helped along with them

Rage has departed and compassion has entered

Understanding is what made that possible

I shall sleep soundly

Knowing that my faith will get me where I need to be.”

-Shea

Forgiveness can only exist if there is a reason for it.  For years, I tried to figure out why this happened to me.  The answer came in the form of forgiveness.

I have to wonder what must have happened to my attacker to make him commit such a vicious crime?  I pray for him and hope that he has found truth.

I would be trapped if I continually was victimized by this situation.

I have been able to share my story with so many troubled teens (and adults).

We all just want to know that we are not alone in our struggle.

Honestly, I don’t know if I would even go back and change it if I could.  I am so grateful for the people that God has brought into my life because of it.

The bigger crime would be if I let it dominate and run my life–so I choose forgiveness.