Archive for prayer

As I Sit.

Posted in Life, Past, Poetry, Present with tags , , , , , on August 28, 2012 by Shea Atkin

The thoughts come
And they go
Aware of the judgment
To what I deem
Good
Or
Bad
And how often that delusion keeps me
From living authentically

Recognition of existence doesn’t mean it is new
It is acceptance of what is

I choose to sit with the uncomfortable
Simply being present poses it’s own challenges
How often I want to escape…
Just because.

Most of my life was spent escaping from perception

Created delusions to justify behavior

Manipulation of facts to continue believing the lie

The judgment I sit with
Is my own
And my worst critic
Is myself

That said–
I project less on you
When I’m honest about me

Denying reality
To appear better
Only
Makes
Us
Sicker

Truth will set us free.

My Life Prayer

Posted in Past with tags , , on October 15, 2010 by Shea Atkin

This was written a few years ago out of desperation.  Sometimes I can only write out what is in my heart.

Intimacy is tough for me.

May I never forget where true strength lies.

It’s definitely not in my power.

“After reading all of Job I feel very humbled. His complaining irritated me and I see that I do the same stuff Job does. Trying to figure out what sin I committed to warrant the pain I feel inside. I constantly fail to see the bigger picture . Even though I say God has it under control and I put all my faith in him, do I truly believe that? Or am I still just saying stuff I think I should believe because it is the right thing to do? I want my heart to be pure before you, God. I don’t know where I stand. I want to be an example for you and made by you. But if I’m so far away from that , what good am I ?

I guess I want you to be the Father I never had. I still don’t know what a real Dad was supposed to be. I know you will take care of me. I don’t deserve this life, Lord. Thank you for everything you have done for me and through me.. Keep me humble always. Let me never think that I did anything on my own. Everything that comes out of my life is a testimony of what you can do through a life. I want your will to always be done and let me not fight you on it. Most of the time I don’t like the lessons I am learning but come to find out you care enough about me to discipline me in love. Thank you for loving me even when I don’t understand what you are doing.

I am so unworthy. I know I always come back to that and help me to stay aways from self-righteousness but thank you for your protection over my life. Please help me to be bold and recognize areas of my unbelief or irritation that could keep me from being used. I want to see people through your eyes. Develop in me the characteristics that you will find pleasing. Let me be what you want to create. I want only your will for my life. No more, no less. I mean that from whatever state my heart is in, from the bottom of it. Change my heart when it needs it. Speed me up or slow me down. Whatever it takes for me to stay inside and within your will.

I surrender my plans to your will. You plan everything in life. I am just a player in the game. I don’t ever want to stray away from you or from your presence. I want to always be on fire for you. Let me be bold when I speak to people about you. Let your Holy Spirit speak in and through me so there will be no doubt that you exist. Let your Holy Spirit reach the unreachable. All of them. Bring your presence to their world. Who knows what will happen if they are not reached. Give me favor with the ones that intimidate others. Let me study to show myself approved, but keep me ever-mindful of the fact that book knowledge means nothing if the heart and love is not in the mix. I will suffer as long as needed to produce whatever outcome you are getting at. This makes me very nervous because I know you take me very seriously. I know what you have planned for me is out of my scope and only possible through and by you. That is very scary. But I don’t ever want to keep you in a pretty little packaged box, you are WAY bigger than that and you need to be made known. I want to make you known. I don’t want you in a box. I want people to know you like I do and even more. I want them to have the same passion and drive for the people. I want them to feel the same urgency I feel to spread the truth. I want to know you more and more. I never want to lose this passion. I want to quit second guessing stuff and let my yes be yes and my no be no. I want to make you known so do your work in my heart and rip out any denial I am in and expose it. If I am to live for you, let my life be an example and strip away my pride.

Give me patience to endure this process. I know it is going to be messy but I will praise you and give you all the glory when it is all said and done. Know that everything in me did not want to say those last couple of lines but the outcome, I know is going to be worth it. Thank you for using me, Thank you for trusting me. Help me not to let you down. Let me be your microphone. Make me bold, your boldness not my natural abilities, Get me past myself. Give me your heart and your vision. I want to live for you. You are amazing and I love you more than I could even put into words. Thank you for teaching me what love is and for continuing to teach me. You know everything. I know nothing. Thank you.”-Shea 2007