Starting Over

The day I stop “starting over” is the day that I give up.

This was written a few years ago in the middle of abuse counseling.

I never want to forget the authenticity that came out of that experience.

I’m so thankful for where I am now–even though times are still tough.

I will always remember the work it took (and will always take)–to be alive.

“I find myself taking in a huge amount of information but coupled with the knowledge that it means nothing unless I put it into practice.

I’m contemplating psychological explanations and the actual correlation between real life and feelings from the heart.  Let me explain.  In the words of Eugene Peterson:

“Wisdom is the art of living skillfully in whatever actual conditions we find ourselves.”

I have been pondering that quote all day.  Over the past couple of years I have taken life to the very core of my being and found some pretty messy and dirty things.  I am a rape survivor, so I have a lot of counseling that I have been through and worked out scenarios in my head and on paper a million times.  I keep coming back to one reality that is ringing true for me time and time again and it is this:  I cannot and will not continue to be a product of learned behavior.

For a while I tried to find who to blame, took it out on people who didn’t deserve it and let others slide for offenses they should have been called out on.  We all have screwed up pasts, baggage and families.  But I refuse to let my actions continue to negatively affect myself or those around me.  I refuse to let my past and lack of being able to let go of certain things affect my life now.  Situations don’t even matter to me anymore. Behavior is a matter of what comes out of the heart and if I never get real about that, then what am I doing?  I choose to work on the hard stuff.  I choose to deal with the stuff I don’t want to look at so I can come out of denial.  I am ready for the pain of that choice.  Because for me, the only way to heal is facing it, dealing with it head on, and letting it go.

I choose to stop complaining about my day to day life and start realizing to be patient with myself in the process.  Most of the time if I am stressed about learning something, I shut down and miss the point completely.  I am going to break that habit.  I learn the best through experience and that is something that can’t be forced so therefore, I shall relax.

I want to be truly at peace.  That means that I have to allow myself to feel.  Yes, I said feel.  I have never truly done that “heart work”.  I mean, yeah, everyone feels but it is usually as a reaction to something someone did to them.  I want to be able to recognize my feeling as Sadness, Anger, Fear or Anxiety. You have no idea how hard that is for me to differentiate.  Something so simple, to me is so complex.  I am taking it back to the basics.  Along the way, that got tainted for me.  There I go into the learned behavior.  I choose to do something about it now, so it doesnt mess up the rest of my life and the people in it.

So , that is my soapbox for tonight.  I am balancing psychology with the human heart and I am really liking the results.  Like I said earlier, knowledge is nothing unless we put it into practice in our daily lives.” Shea 2007

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