Archive for coming-of-age

Starting Over

Posted in Past with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 19, 2010 by Shea Atkin

The day I stop “starting over” is the day that I give up.

This was written a few years ago in the middle of abuse counseling.

I never want to forget the authenticity that came out of that experience.

I’m so thankful for where I am now–even though times are still tough.

I will always remember the work it took (and will always take)–to be alive.

“I find myself taking in a huge amount of information but coupled with the knowledge that it means nothing unless I put it into practice.

I’m contemplating psychological explanations and the actual correlation between real life and feelings from the heart.  Let me explain.  In the words of Eugene Peterson:

“Wisdom is the art of living skillfully in whatever actual conditions we find ourselves.”

I have been pondering that quote all day.  Over the past couple of years I have taken life to the very core of my being and found some pretty messy and dirty things.  I am a rape survivor, so I have a lot of counseling that I have been through and worked out scenarios in my head and on paper a million times.  I keep coming back to one reality that is ringing true for me time and time again and it is this:  I cannot and will not continue to be a product of learned behavior.

For a while I tried to find who to blame, took it out on people who didn’t deserve it and let others slide for offenses they should have been called out on.  We all have screwed up pasts, baggage and families.  But I refuse to let my actions continue to negatively affect myself or those around me.  I refuse to let my past and lack of being able to let go of certain things affect my life now.  Situations don’t even matter to me anymore. Behavior is a matter of what comes out of the heart and if I never get real about that, then what am I doing?  I choose to work on the hard stuff.  I choose to deal with the stuff I don’t want to look at so I can come out of denial.  I am ready for the pain of that choice.  Because for me, the only way to heal is facing it, dealing with it head on, and letting it go.

I choose to stop complaining about my day to day life and start realizing to be patient with myself in the process.  Most of the time if I am stressed about learning something, I shut down and miss the point completely.  I am going to break that habit.  I learn the best through experience and that is something that can’t be forced so therefore, I shall relax.

I want to be truly at peace.  That means that I have to allow myself to feel.  Yes, I said feel.  I have never truly done that “heart work”.  I mean, yeah, everyone feels but it is usually as a reaction to something someone did to them.  I want to be able to recognize my feeling as Sadness, Anger, Fear or Anxiety. You have no idea how hard that is for me to differentiate.  Something so simple, to me is so complex.  I am taking it back to the basics.  Along the way, that got tainted for me.  There I go into the learned behavior.  I choose to do something about it now, so it doesnt mess up the rest of my life and the people in it.

So , that is my soapbox for tonight.  I am balancing psychology with the human heart and I am really liking the results.  Like I said earlier, knowledge is nothing unless we put it into practice in our daily lives.” Shea 2007

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Numb

Posted in Past with tags , , , , , on October 12, 2010 by Shea Atkin

“I’m suffering from harsh realities of yesterdays tomorrows

Events that take place leave me wondering

The simplicity of the word “why”

Is it important for the future?

Or just for the now?

What is it I am supposed to learn from this?

The only word that comes to mind is ‘mistake’

But my heart longs for fate

You are the answer

And I am the cause

I am left with amputated emotions

Creeping towards lukewarm acceptance

I lie facedown for your soul

My tears try to reach you

But you do not want to be found

Solitude only creates complacency

Which I think you are the master of

Locked your heart and broke the key

I’m glad you saved the rest for me.” -Shea 2002

Torment

Posted in Past with tags , , , , on October 10, 2010 by Shea Atkin

“May the walls of my being be knocked down with one question

Why not sacrifice everything

For the power that drives us?

Solitude is a confinement

Which strips away everything we thing we are

To the fibers of our actual being

Reflecting is only memories of what we know to be false

Lies encompass the truth

What is the real truth?

I find myself fighting myself

Contradicting my own contradicti0ns

The petals of the flower fall away

Until only the stem remains

Hoping to rebuild what was once something beautiful

Love or hate?

They seems to be the same word

What is the difference if you feel them at the same time?

Defiled to the point of purity

Why can’t love be true?

Steel bars surround me

But only I have the power to make those bars disappear

Pursuit of the pursuit

What does it matter anymore?

The only decisions that were made were by you anyway

It doesn’t matter

Look deep inside me and tell me what is there

I don’t think I know what you will find

Maybe hurt

regret

love

hope

peace

jealousy

hate

insanity

rage

serenity

lust

or sanity?

Exhaustion forces me to stay awake

And conjure up rash feeling

What am I trying to find?

I just want to know

Maybe I will tell myself one day when I find out.”

Shea 2003

Insanity

Posted in Past with tags , , , , , , on October 9, 2010 by Shea Atkin

1999- Age 19

“Sanity is seeming to be a gift of the past.

Reality comes in and sets the stage for life

Or is it truly reality?

Our minds make us think it is, but–

It could quite possibly be an illusion

An illusion of things hoped and dreamed for

Or maybe of things left unsaid

Uncertainty takes over and confuses

But somehow puts everything in it’s rightful place.

The things that used to be vital for survival

Are merely 10 cent objects being sold at a yard sale

Material possessions begin to fade and deteriorate

Leaving only a memory of the new and updated version.

People change and so do plans

And do the ones that seem to stay the same

Really stay the same?

Or did our narrow way of thinking cause us to make a false determination?”

Shea

Being 19 was such a frustrating and wonderful year.  Quite bittersweet.

I was in massage school and living on my own.

Not a child–but definitely not an adult.

Rereading all my old stuff ignites those feeling of passion, angst, rage, love and confusion–all over again, and all too familiar.

It keeps me humble, focused and grounded.

How easily I can slip right back into old patterns.