Fierce Independence

is my current status….

Contemplating where I am on this continuum.  Today I was given words to these feelings I have been having.  In some aspects, I never matured past the age of 15.  Most of my relationships consisted of being completely dependent.  To me, the relationship was more important than my actual self.  I compromised who I was to be accepted.  I gave away bits of me just to fit in.

More recently, I have become fiercely independent.  The balance has switched to my actual self being more important than relationship.  Unfortunately, many relationships have suffered because of this decision.  In certain aspects, compromise would be equivalent to death.  Establishing who I am, instead of who everybody wants me to be has been enlightening and strange with a spark of amazing.  It’s not necessarily the decision that I make–It’s the acknowledgement that I get to make the decision that is most important.

This inevitably leads to interdependence.  Eventually I will come to the place of being able to coexist in certain relationships without feeling “loss of self”.  Having 2 whole individuals in relationship enjoying each others company.  I have to say, I am very much looking forward to that day.

Realizing that I am right in the midst of independence, gives me a certain freedom. It’s in the lack of control that I have found peace.  Talking to God and giving my day to Him on a continual basis.  Not worrying about what other people are thinking about my journey.  Being true to myself and authentically seeking truth.   It is a reconciliation of sorts, but more importantly–it is the evolution of maturity.

Blaming the past and people in it gets me nowhere.  Actively staying present is what I am striving for.  Some days are worse than others.  And some days are really easy.  But the calm that I feel in the midst of complete chaos lets me know I am right where I need to be.  Right or wrong–I am me.


4 Responses to “Fierce Independence”

  1. What a world it would be if everybody worked at life and themselves the way that you do. You ARE fiercely independent, but you also know how to let people in. I learn from you all the time, and, of course, love you.

  2. Hello Shea, thanks for visiting. I have read down to here and as it is current, I guess you are a baby compared to me but I find your wisdom refreshing.
    “Some days are worse than others. And some days are really easy. But the calm that I feel in the midst of complete chaos lets me know I am right where I need to be.” You are a peacemaker, a rare person indeed!
    Confusion creates options but you seem to know that. I took 50 years to recognise there was a choice!

  3. Wow, Stafford!
    You have made my day.
    Thank you so much for the kind words. I am very new to blogging so the encouragement is exciting! I have always kept my writing to myself, but after a series of events–I decided to put it all out there.
    I look forward to reading more of your writing:)

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