Another Blackout

I have many different notebooks for different styles of writing.

Since I have been sick the past couple of days, I get stir crazy and start organizing–

I found a random journal with just one page of writing, barely legible.

I don’t know when it was written and I have no recollection of writing it–

but it is definitely mine–my handwriting and everything.

Showing me how far down my addiction took me–

And the clarity I was seeking for– in the midst of complete darkness.

FORGOTTEN

“No new thoughts plague every fiber

How long is the wait?

The surface seems too far up–

And underground is where I have been.

Sunlight is too pushy

I sink back.

This is not by choice–

Or is it?

Nothing but scattered nothingness

Filling up the empty holes–

Left vacant for coping mechanisms.

Counterfeit generic is what I have been reduced to

Separation is the only option available to avoid enmeshment.

Walls built for survival–

But for whom?

Fading to the point of false memories–

And making decisions based on misperceptions.

Loving to the point of hatred

Darkness 0nly because

Light is not an option.

I’ll take the alternative–

Because I’m bored.

Unable to find an outlet that fits–

My pieces are always wrong

I received the incorrect puzzle.

Death on the very inside–

So where is there to go from there?

Absolute unworthiness–

But always subject to change

Can’t ever figure out where I really am…

Always feel as an unwelcomed visitor–

In the way–

Nice from a distance–

Where do I belong?

And will I ever be me?” -Shea (Date Unknown)

Advertisements

2 Responses to “Another Blackout”

  1. You are always “you,” but you’re complex and smart and that makes for a variety of valid emotions and occasional turmoil (psychological and otherwise). I love all shades of you, especially the light you shine on all of our souls by sharing yours.

  2. lovely word painting.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: