Seems like I have to constantly come back to this action.

You would think that it would start coming naturally–but it always seems like a battle of wills, with myself.  The natural progression of control, for me, is to hold on (with a death-grip), to a certain idea or thought–willing myself to make it right.  Knowing full well that the situation is entirely out of my hands, but not wanting to relinquish the illusion of control.

I finally realized after unloading my frustrations with a dear and trusted friend this morning, that I had to surrender my ideals in a certain area.

I didn’t even recognize that I was starting the “crazy cycle” until she pointed out what was happening.  It happened so naturally, so easy… Too easy.

Yet, what I would LOVE is for surrender to come that fast.

To be able to recognize that a behavioral cycle is starting, and if not addressed, will spin violently and needlessly out of control.

To throw up my hands, send up a short (or ridiculously long) prayer to God and say “I just can’t deal with this!  Take over–I’m sick of playing God”–and let Him take it from there.

How freeing, how simple, how easy–

but oh, so very difficult.

My head just takes over as my heart rolls it’s eyes.

And I come back to this place, finally, of surrender.

Then I take a deep breath and realize–

I’m right where I need to be.


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